Todd was away from home much of the time and had bought Tracy a dog for company before the birth of their first child. After the baby’s arrival, Todd wanted to get rid of the dog.

“If the dog goes, I go, too,” Tracy warned.

“All right, go ahead,” he told her.

And so they separated.

I met first with Tracy who gave me her side of the story. She complained that she had to share her husband with too many people. He worked late, spent three or four nights a week at the church, and visited his mother every day. Often he didn’t come home for supper at all. He made her feel as if she were not needed.

“My dad never treated my mother that way,” she told me. “They went everywhere together. He was always affectionate to her and generous with his compliments. But Todd,” she said scathingly, “only gives me a peck on the cheek when he comes home—if he doesn’t forget. As for my housekeeping and cooking and caring for the baby, he just takes them for granted!”

When I got the chance to talk with Todd, I learned that he thought Tracy should realize he loved her when he worked long and hard and provided for her.

“Shouldn’t the new carpet I bought her prove my love more than a lot of kissing?” he asked. “And why does she insist on keeping that dumb dog?” he grumbled.

It was clear that their trouble was far greater than the disagreement they were having about the dog. Here were a man and woman who looked at life from very different viewpoints. Tracy wanted to reproduce the pleasant experiences of her childhood home. She wanted to go places with her husband and receive more of his attention at home.

Todd, however, had been the only child at his house, and he was free to come and go as he pleased. His mother had been satisfied with a few minutes of his time each day. Todd enjoyed this kind of life, and he was seeking to reproduce it in adulthood.

And now each felt let down by the other.

Both Todd and Tracy found it lonely living apart. They met and tried to talk things over amiably, but ended up defending their past actions. I saw them separately several times, and gradually each became a little more willing to look at the other’s viewpoint. I reminded them of Philippians 2:4, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.” Slowly they came to realize that the conditions in their parents’ homes could not be reproduced in their own marriage.

One day Todd said candidly, “I understand now. You’re telling me I am a selfish man.”

It was not easy for him to say, but he followed it up with efforts that brought the two back to the same house.

It took longer for Tracy to see her weakness. Todd kept praying for patience, and they are finally making some progress. When he tends to neglect her, she pouts. But they recognize their problem and are slowly building a life together as each learns to look to the interests of the other.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

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Their story went like this. George came home one night and was greeted as usual in the living room with a tender kiss. But as he held Ellie in his arms, his eyes wandered to a corner of the room and he saw hanging from the ceiling a long, wavy cobweb.

He said nothing about it that night, or the next, but both times while maintaining a pleasant appearance, he said to himself in disgust, “What kind of a woman did I marry that she can’t keep her house clean?”

On the third night he said precisely, “Honey, there’s a cobweb hanging from the ceiling.”

Her response was to kiss him and laugh. “Oh George, dear, I see you’re going to make a good housewife out of me.”

He was relieved. He had won his point and kept her smiling.

But inwardly Ellie was appalled. “How long have his eyes been prying that out of the ceiling?”

Some nights later, George, watching Ellie wash dishes, could keep his peace no longer. “Dear,” he said, “Do you know you’re washing dishes cross-handed?”

“Cross-handed?” she asked. “What’s that?”

George told her gently how she could save time and energy by switching her washing position with the draining position to avoid the long reach-over. Inwardly, George was fuming at the simpleness of a woman who had to be told something so obvious.

“Oh George, honey,” she said. “I never thought of that.”

However, within Ellie, resentment flared: “Now he tells me how to run my kitchen!”

A few weeks later, deeply disillusioned, the newlyweds came to me.

As we discussed their problems, George said accusingly, “Can’t a man believe what his wife tells him, especially when she’s kissing him?”

Ellie retorted, “Did he have to hide his criticism behind sweet words?”

The quiet manner and tender kisses had been a smoke screen. George and Ellie were doing the right things because they were expected, but they had little meaning. They were living by the letter of the law, which Paul says, in 2 Corinthians 3:6, is deadly: “He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

George came to see that his problem was not his wife’s housekeeping, but his attitude toward her. Ellie came to acknowledge that her problem was not a critical husband, but her unwillingness to accept criticism. Together they asked God to help them speak the truth, in love, according to Ephesians 4:15: “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ...” in order to have a sound basis for working out their differences.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

After 23 years of marriage, Frank had become interested in a younger woman in his office. Kate said she could see why. Kate’s hair was gray, her hands showed the years of housework she had done, her face was lined with the wrinkles of middle age. She was tired much of the time and was subject to frequent and sudden illnesses.

Someone suggested that before they take the fateful step of filing for divorce they ought to seek professional counseling. They agreed, almost against their better judgment.

In the first meeting it was Frank, not the injured Kate, who was depressed. He confessed he had tried suicide once, not seriously, but his mind was running in that direction.

“Time after time I’ve asked Kate to forgive me for my one instance of unfaithfulness,” he said with a sigh. “But she won’t forgive.”

It was clear that she felt greatly offended. Yet not all love for Frank had perished. She wanted to continue their marriage, but did not think there was any way it could be done.

“Frank wants to quit his job in the mortgage firm where he’s worked for 20 years,” she said. “He claims he can start his own business.”

She would not accept the idea. She spoke of how her father had given up a good job to open a meat market, and how competition put him out of business. From then on the family had lived from hand to mouth. “Is this what I’m supposed to go through again?” she asked. “No thanks.”

Frank looked on her refusal to go along as her lack of trust in his ability. For this he almost hated her. “Any wife who loves her husband will give him a chance to prove himself,” he complained. “Kate won’t even give me the chance to prove I’m not cheating on her any more.”

The matter of hatred and being a Christian came up in the second counseling session, when Frank came alone. He stated that he was a born-again believer. “But I’ve been a pretty poor excuse for a Christian,” he said.

“That’s what you have been,” the counselor agreed. “But you don’t need to go on that way.” The counselor then opened the Bible to 1 John 1:9. “Read it,” he said.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Frank Bonner looked up, a half smile on his lips as he read. “That’s simple enough” he said.

Over the next week he came to understand God’s offer of forgiveness. He leveled with God that he had sinned against his wife and that much of their trouble stemmed from his negative attitude toward their marriage. He repented of his past wrongs, and experienced God’s cleansing.

During the next meeting he prayed for God’s grace to be the kind of Christian he ought to be, and that he might love his wife despite her feelings toward him.

Kate Bonner kept the appointment for a meeting separate from her husband’s. The counselor discovered she had come from a home in which the Bible and the church had never been given a hearing. She was reared with a “look out for yourself” philosophy. She had never forgiven her father for the way he treated her mother, or for his ill-conceived move that left the family nearly destitute. She spoke disparagingly of her mother for having a weak character. In fact, Kate never forgave anyone for failing to come up to what she expected of them.

“Why should I forgive Frank,” she asked, “after what he’s done to me?”

If their home was to continue, as she maintained that she wanted it to, the counselor advised that she would have to forgive Frank.

“I tell you,” she replied, “I can’t forgive him.”

The counselor then discussed the Old Testament account of the unfaithful wife of Hosea.

“What’s that got to do with me?” she demanded. “Frank was in the wrong, not me.”

“That’s true,” said the counselor. “Hosea’s wife was in the wrong, but Hosea forgave her.”  The counselor explained that the prophet’s account depicted an unfaithful nation, which God forgave and restored.

“But you said that happened centuries ago,” Kate said. “What’s that got to do with me?”

“In the Bible, God has included lessons that are relevant in the lives of people today,” the counselor answered. “If a holy God could forgive a disobedient nation of people, can’t we as individuals forgive those who mistreat us?”

This led to a discussion on God’s forgiveness—how God permitted Jesus Christ to bear the guilt of the world’s sin by dying on the cross. In that act of sacrifice, God forgave those who have failed to come up to the high standard that He expects all of us to keep.

“Mrs. Bonner, if you are going to benefit by God’s forgiveness, you must accept it,” the counselor said.

For the first time in her life, Kate felt that perhaps she was in need of forgiveness. She never had claimed to be perfect—but in failing to be perfect, wasn’t there an area in her own life that demanded forgiveness from the One of whose standards she had fallen short?

In the next session she admitted that she was a sinner in need of God’s forgiveness. Quietly, she bowed her head and received Jesus Christ as her Savior.

“Thank you for forgiving me,” she simply said to the Lord.

She then began to enumerate the persons against whom she had held grudges and whom she should forgive.

“There’s Frank of course,” she said as she wiped away a tear.

Although both her parents were dead, she committed to the Lord the harsh feelings she had always held toward them. She readily placed several others under her new broad umbrella of forgiveness.

After 23 years of rocky, turbulent marriage, the Bonners now had a new foundation on which to build a solid relationship—a foundation of love, understanding, and forgiveness.

It was in this spirit that they could, for the first time, sit down and discuss in a rational manner whether or not it was good for Frank to go into business for himself.

[The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

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There are months on end when a husband and wife get along beautifully; and then, out of the clear blue sky, there are frequent disagreements. Then, just as mysteriously, things clear up. This is the ebb and flow, the fascination, the never-ending variety, the multitude of moods that make up family living.

Seldom, if ever, do the circumstances of living together transform two people into an ever-loving, ever-agreeable, happy couple–fairy tales, popular love songs, romance movies, and a gamble of fate notwithstanding.

A solid marriage involves a much greater challenge than simply finding a partner with whom you live happily ever after. It is more than some strange chemistry that draws and holds you together forever. Soon after the wedding day, you realize that marriage is a test of your character.

A solid marriage does not depend on perfectly matched partners. It is a lifetime process dependent on many choices made by two free individuals who deliberately choose to get along and who continuously sacrifice personal freedom and self-interest for a mutually agreeable way of life.

Everyone has at least a few good points–ability, talent, a unique kind of charm, interesting mannerisms, or pleasing ways. But put two people together, and before long irritations, conflicts, and differences of opinion arise in spite of the assets.

Before I married, I intended to be the most congenial, friendly, easy-going husband–ever. I thought Eva would be the most congenial, friendly, easy-going wife–ever. One night, prior to our wedding, she looked up into my eyes and said, “Henry, I will spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

That sounded great! Imagine, someone wanting to do that, for me! I loved it!

I responded immediately, “Eva, I will do the same for you.” And I meant it. You can imagine what a tender moment that was! We did not know we could not live up to those promises.

We went skiing on our honeymoon and got along fine. But we hit a snag the first night home. I went to visit the guys. Nothing unusual or unpredictable about that. These men were my lifelong friends. For years we had hung out together and planned weekend excursions. That night we planned a weekend skiing trip. I went home and casually informed my wife, “I’m going skiing over the weekend with the guys.”

Remember her promise to make me happy? This was her first chance to make good on that promise!

She said, “Oh no, you’re not! You’re married now. And you’re going to spend the weekend with me.”

I was astonished, bewildered. I felt betrayed. Our first big conflict. It was quite a deal. We debated for several days before I finally got my way. No woman was going to tell me I could not go skiing!

What an attitude … on both our parts. It had not taken us long to discover that our commitment to make each other happy was a flimsy one. Our first few years together were stormy, for we were using our respective creativity and intelligence to outmaneuver each other. Our intentions had been good, but not our ability to carry those intentions out.

My wife and I were jolted. We figured marriage would banish conflicts. No more problems with parents or siblings or friends. We would do as we pleased and express ourselves freely. To our dismay, we clashed over simple decisions.

How is it possible to feel so harshly toward someone you once felt such tenderness for? How is it possible to be repulsed at the idea of being touched by a person who you once so desired that restraint was a constant problem? How is it possible to have such sharp, unresolved conflicts when you once got along so well?

It’s a matter of walls. Invisible walls that loom up and cut off affection, tenderness, and the will to work at your relationship as you did during dating days. And it happens in all marriages.

Steve and Julie were five years into their marriage when I met them. Their relationship seemed good, at least compared to other marriages they knew about. They had much in common and had similar personalities. They were proud of their two small children. Their work with newlyweds at church was a source of great joy. Yet there was a problem that kept coming up. A wall had been constructed between them by their own hands. They were unable to see it until it was too late and they crashed into it, resulting in an “every-few-months blow-up.”

It could start in a number of ways, usually something small, like plans for the weekend. Steve arrived home from work ready to relax and recover from a hard week. “Hi, honey, I’m home,” was his greeting.

Julie, glad to see him, asked him about his workday and listened with interest as he related the events since he had left that morning. Sounds pretty good so far, doesn’t it? However, the fireworks are just about to get underway.

Julie was anxious to get the weekend planned since she liked to know what they would be doing to avoid wasting precious family time. “I hear the weather is going to be beautiful all weekend. Let’s go to the nursery Saturday morning and get some flowers to plant in the front yard. How about if we go out to that restaurant by the lake with some friends tomorrow night? I need to line up a babysitter now if we are going. What do you think?

What man would not be thrilled to come home to a wife who is so excited about the weekend? After all, she went to all of the trouble to think about their activities; surely Steve would be thrilled. However, Steve is the kind of guy who likes to have some unplanned time. His preference is to get up Saturday morning, after sleeping late, and do whatever comes to mind.

“Whoa, I’m tired, Julie. Why do we always have to have something planned? I just want to relax. We’ll see.”

Fuming, Julie withdrew into the kitchen, slamming pots and pans as she prepared dinner.

This exchange is a perfect example of Ezekiel 33:31, “… with their mouth they show much love, but their hearts pursue their own gain.”

This issue of weekend plans in and of itself doesn’t seem to be a big enough deal to precipitate a major problem between two people who love each other and truly enjoy each other’s company. Yet it is surprising how such a small bump can liberate all of the grievances we hold in our cup. Steve followed her into the kitchen and asked what was wrong. “Oh, nothing,” she said. If he doesn’t care enough about me to know how I feel, I’m sure not going to spell it out for him, she thought.

When Steve pressed her a few more times, Julie began to reel off all of the things she had been holding against him since the last big blowup. “You know I love being home with the kids, but just once in a while I wish we could go out. It’s been over a month. And I walk by that pathetic front yard every day. The weeds have taken over, and the spring rains have washed out most of the good dirt. The neighbors are starting to think that we just don’t care how our property looks.”

Steve met each charge as his own attorney for the defense, arguing passionately for his position with logic and skill in an effort to confuse and defeat her. “Don’t you think I want to go out? We agreed that we were going to try and cut back on our spending this month; besides, since when do we let our neighbors dictate to us how we spend our time and money? I agree these things need to be done, but we can’t do everything in the same day.”

Julie was ready for a rebuttal! “I’m not expecting everything to be done on the same day. I’ve been talking about this for weeks and nothing is happening. You also agreed that we need to paint the house and update our budget. Yet somehow you found time to go on that rafting trip last weekend.”

Now she had gone too far. Steve felt she was being ridiculous. “That’s not fair. You’re out of control. You encouraged me to go on that trip. Where is all of this coming from?”

The answer comes from another scripture passage: “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (James 4:1).

At this point, the argument took on a “same old, same old” quality.

“I just want to make a plan. Is that so terrible? Why can’t you ever take the initiative on something? Aren’t you supposed to be the leader in our home?” Julie asked.

“Wait a minute, I work hard to make a good living for us. Don’t I get any credit for that?” Steve retorted.

“I can never say anything when you’re in a bad mood like this. You need to get right with God,” Julie admonished.

“I guess I should just realize that everything is my fault, Miss Perfect. How can you be so judgmental? You’re unbelievable!” Steve shot back.

When Julie’s irritations met Steve’s annoyance, the bricks they hurled at each other built a wall neither of them could see beyond. Soon anger was obviously a much bigger problem than their original difference of opinion, and the focus changed.

Finally, tired of fighting and satisfied that they had each made their points, they would make up. One would call a truce, and they would make some decision about the original disagreement. They would remove some of the bricks, but the wall of their individual self-centeredness remained. And they kept running into it.

It is incredible that people can get so distressed over such little things. But we do. One incident does not mean much, but the daily grind takes its toll. After a while, resentment sets in. One disagreement does not amount to much. Enough of them over a period of time build an invisible, divisive wall. In counseling, I hear many a puzzled spouse say, “We are just not close anymore.” “I can’t stand him even touching me. There’s nothing between us.” These statements are made by people who once thought marriage to that same person was a great idea.

In the thrill of romance during dating, the differences between you may have been ignored. After marriage, you are apt to declare that you do not want to give up who you are. The bricks are laid in place between you.

No one gets married planning madness. All of the dreaming and planning is about growing closer and more intimate, not about building walls of isolation between each other. We anticipate warm glances and friendly greetings, not cold stares and sarcastic remarks. We dream of fun family vacations, not dealing with disobedient children. We have found a soulmate, not an opponent! Where does this ship sailing toward marital bliss run onto the shoals of anger, bitterness, and estrangement?

To the single person, marriage is often viewed as a destination. Just getting there will be the key to living happily ever after. Soon after arrival, however, the destination turns into a journey, one filled with the possibilities of great happiness as well as the potential for great pain.

The journey at first seems mysterious, with many unexplained twists and turns that make you ill at ease. Soon, seeking to put some order into the situation, you construct a set of rules to live by. This is designed to prevent surprises so that you will always know what to expect from each other. But when the rules fail in the guarantee of happiness and the avoidance of pain, it becomes obvious that marriage must be about something more than rules.

It is clear to me, after years of living, counseling, and being married, that though there is mystery, it is merely the mystery of the human heart. And the human heart is forever turning to its own way. Isaiah 53:6 tells us, “We have turned, every one, to his own way.”

The journey is itself a series of destinations: to remain Christ-like, to communicate, to be like-minded, to live out proper roles, and to depend on God to lead and empower your marriage every step of the way.

Selfishness is a sin. Call it independence, call it a strong will, call it knowing your own mind–it’s still sin. The invisible walls that divide us will only be dismantled when we turn to God with repentant hearts and let Him cleanse our lives and fill them with His Spirit. We must seek to be unselfish and other centered as we build a marriage that will go the distance.

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People say in their marriage vows: “I will love you and comfort you and keep you in sickness and in health. Forsaking all others, keep unto you as long as we both shall live.  Take you for better or worse, richer or poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish until death do us part.”

We dutifully tell each other that. But unless we bring the fruit of the Spirit into our marriage, these vows are impossible to keep.

If you get married with the idea that the person you’re marrying is going to transform your life – turn you into a loving kindly, gentle, cheerful, happy person – you’re mistaken. Marriage is first of all a matter of your spirit, and marriage will reveal what kind of spirit is in your heart.

Philippians 2:1 gives us some practical advice for marriage. “If then there is any encouragement in Christ, any consolation from love, any sharing in the Spirit, any compassion and sympathy ….” The interaction we have with our spouse comes from God, not from what’s happening around us.

Does this describe you? Is Christ living in you, helping you to love your spouse, or are you trying in your own strength to make the relationship work?

Verse 2 of the same chapter in Philippians tells us, “Make my joy complete: be of the same mind.” Many times we are unable to move on to verse 2 because of the condition of our own hearts. That may be why you are having trouble with your marriage.

The choices you make in your hours together will determine what kind of a relationship you are going to have with each other. The condition of your relationship will reveal the condition of your heart. According to Philippians 1:2 your goal in marriage is this: “Make my joy complete: be of the same mind, having the same love, being in full accord and of one mind.” You need to work at being of the same mind!

To do that Philippians 2:3 instructs you to “Do nothing from selfish ambition or conceit.” Selfish ambition – pretty strong words! Are you looking out for yourself or for your spouse?

For every two couples getting married, there’s one couple ending up in divorce court. Why? Because to have your own way is more important than the marriage. Being “like-minded” is a command of God, a basic fundamental requirement of any two people that have to work together. Being ‘like-minded” is tough – the circumstances of our lives are always changing, but the commitment to be “like-minded” can help you navigate the difficult places in your marriage.

Take a step . . .
Ask God to bring to your mind one way you can reach out to your spouse in an unselfish way. Then make yourself do that thing!

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s manuscript Marriage God ‘s Way.

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