The issue was over dancing in gym class. Hal Dolan had said flatly that their son should not participate.

Melissa Dolan had agreed in front of her husband, but privately gave their son permission to participate. Hal found out about it through a conversation with a neighbor who had visited the gym class.

That night at dinner Mr. Dolan asked his son Dave, “What do you do during gym class?”

”I study in the library” he lied. Then Mr. Dolan told them what he had heard. There was a bitter fight that night. Hal ordered Dave to obey him. Dave refused. His mother backed Dave.

Mr. Dolan threatened to leave and Melissa told him to go. His bluff was called. He didn’t leave, but they hadn’t spoken since.

It was impossible to talk to them together. One contradicted the other. After many sessions, it became clear that this incident was only the last straw. Across the years they had clashed over many issues.

The Dolans were competitors, opponents. I referred them to a Biblical principle: “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

This was inconceivable to them. Even though they went to church regularly they never really took the Bible seriously, and they seldom consulted it. Mr. Dolan perceived his role as head of the house to mean that he should give the orders without consulting his wife. To consider her opinion meant that he was weak. To her, it was important that she stick up for her rights, or she would lose her identity.

”What you are really saying,” I told them separately, “is that you must have your own way.” Both had the personal problem of selfishness. The issue over folk dancing only brought their problem to a head.

After many counseling sessions together, there was finally a confession to the Lord of selfishness and a plea to Him for help in getting on the same team. With a new spirit of oneness between them, the Dolans are now working out a mutually agreeable and satisfactory life together.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

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Todd was away from home much of the time and had bought Tracy a dog for company before the birth of their first child. After the baby’s arrival, Todd wanted to get rid of the dog.

“If the dog goes, I go, too,” Tracy warned.

“All right, go ahead,” he told her.

And so they separated.

I met first with Tracy who gave me her side of the story. She complained that she had to share her husband with too many people. He worked late, spent three or four nights a week at the church, and visited his mother every day. Often he didn’t come home for supper at all. He made her feel as if she were not needed.

“My dad never treated my mother that way,” she told me. “They went everywhere together. He was always affectionate to her and generous with his compliments. But Todd,” she said scathingly, “only gives me a peck on the cheek when he comes home—if he doesn’t forget. As for my housekeeping and cooking and caring for the baby, he just takes them for granted!”

When I got the chance to talk with Todd, I learned that he thought Tracy should realize he loved her when he worked long and hard and provided for her.

“Shouldn’t the new carpet I bought her prove my love more than a lot of kissing?” he asked. “And why does she insist on keeping that dumb dog?” he grumbled.

It was clear that their trouble was far greater than the disagreement they were having about the dog. Here were a man and woman who looked at life from very different viewpoints. Tracy wanted to reproduce the pleasant experiences of her childhood home. She wanted to go places with her husband and receive more of his attention at home.

Todd, however, had been the only child at his house, and he was free to come and go as he pleased. His mother had been satisfied with a few minutes of his time each day. Todd enjoyed this kind of life, and he was seeking to reproduce it in adulthood.

And now each felt let down by the other.

Both Todd and Tracy found it lonely living apart. They met and tried to talk things over amiably, but ended up defending their past actions. I saw them separately several times, and gradually each became a little more willing to look at the other’s viewpoint. I reminded them of Philippians 2:4, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.” Slowly they came to realize that the conditions in their parents’ homes could not be reproduced in their own marriage.

One day Todd said candidly, “I understand now. You’re telling me I am a selfish man.”

It was not easy for him to say, but he followed it up with efforts that brought the two back to the same house.

It took longer for Tracy to see her weakness. Todd kept praying for patience, and they are finally making some progress. When he tends to neglect her, she pouts. But they recognize their problem and are slowly building a life together as each learns to look to the interests of the other.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

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“Mr. Roland … it’s always ‘Mr. Roland did this’ or ‘Mr. Roland didn’t do that'” he snapped.

“Don’t forget, Ken,” Margaret said, “Mr. Roland was successful enough to sell out at 50 and move to Florida.”

“And when I’m 65, I’ll still be struggling to complete the down payment on the business. You might as well add that,” he growled.

For ten years, Margaret had admired Mr. Roland’s keen business sense. When Kenneth Lowe joined Mr. Roland’s sales force, Margaret thought she saw the same qualities in the new employee and she accepted his proposal of marriage after a rather hurried courtship. Then in those first few months of living together, she found she didn’t know Ken as well as she had thought.

But Margaret felt she could remake Ken. For one thing, she had been in the insurance business longer than he, and she set out to mold him in the shape of Mr. Roland.

Ken was aware of Margaret’s manipulations, and resented them. He said he was studying Mr. Roland’s methods so he could do just the opposite!

Margaret thought Ken was taking a nasty attitude; she could not cope with it. During this low point in their relationship she learned she was pregnant. After quitting work she had more time to think about this man whom, though her husband, was one for whom she had little respect.

After the baby came, Margaret Lowe suffered from periods of depression. When she began to be haunted by fears of insanity and of harming the baby, she came to me for counseling and I gave her a sympathetic ear.

It took several meetings for her to tell her story, but over the weeks I helped her to recognize her pushing and nagging. She saw that she considered Ken inferior not only to Mr. Roland, but to herself, too. For a long time she pondered the principle in Philippians 2:3, “Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves.”

As she applied this principle to her marriage, and kept at it, Ken regretted his hostility, and they had the common ground of love and peace upon which to build their marriage—and their business.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

They started out their marriage on a shoestring. Bill had a bread route and worked long hours to make a meager living.

One of Bill’s customers was a fruit farmer. This man offered Bill the chance to find customers for his produce. Bill took up the challenge and managed to find a market for the whole summer’s production.

An idea began to take shape in Bill’s mind. Why not do the same thing for other farmers? Twelve years later, he had developed his idea into a vast wholesale produce business including a whole network of processing plants and warehouses.

The Stantons had not neglected their commitment to the Lord. Both were happily active in the church. Bill even served as a leader on a statewide level for their denomination.

Bill and Jan did a lot of entertaining in their beautiful home. Frequently they spent pleasant evenings around the pool or the fireplace with their guests. Many of their friends would turn to them for advice and counsel.

Bill’s business demanded much of his time. But Jan didn’t mind; she was busy with her family, her home, and her church work.

Skiing was one of their favorite pastimes. The family had many happy outings at a variety of ski resorts.

On one of these outings when Jan and the children went skiing, Jan had an accident and ended up with a badly broken leg. When Bill returned from a business trip two days later, he was shocked to learn that his wife was in the hospital.

Jan spent many weeks in the hospital with her leg in a cast. Bill dropped in to see her each day and in the evening. Both understood that his business demanded that he be away part of each week. The days in the hospital were long and lonesome. Jan began feeling blue. The doctor explained that this was normal for a healthy, busy woman.

Finally the cast was removed, only to find that the leg had not healed properly. Jan began having long periods of depression.

On occasion, after Jan came home, Bill would take the children to the ski slopes. Jan stayed behind, nursing her leg, and her depression. It was late spring before her leg was completely healed. But the sieges of depression hung on. Summer faded into fall, and still Jan would spend long days feeling sad, breaking into tears for no apparent reason. By now, the doctor informed her that her accident could not be considered as the reason for her misery.

When Bill heard this, he became impatient with Jan. ”Snap out of it. You have every reason to be content,” he told her one day.

The beautiful home and lovely wooded yard was no help. Jan lost interest in her church work. Long silences developed between her and Bill. He would find reasons for staying at the office or for being out of town.

There were tender moments when the Stantons could talk about their situation. They were embarrassed. For years they had prided themselves that they had such a happy marriage. Now their marriage was a sad one.

It seemed that there was no way out. Finally, they swallowed their pride and ended up in my office. They spent the first session telling me how happy they had been together.

We spent several more sessions talking about their problem. Our conversation centered around their happiness together. We were getting nowhere.

I asked Jan to come in without her husband. Both of them resisted this idea. They would work this out together, they said. There was nothing to hide.

We were at a standstill. I had nothing more to offer, and could see no reason for us to continue.

Several weeks later, Jan called. She was ready to see me without her husband. Once more she reviewed the happiness they had enjoyed.

As we closed the session, I asked Jan to look at a warning and a promise in the Bible: ”If we say we have fellowship with Him (God), and walk in darkness, we lie, and do not know the truth: but if we walk in the light, as He is in the light, we have fellowship one with another, and the blood of Jesus Christ His Son cleanses us from all sin” (1 John 1:6-7).

We turned to John 3:19. Here, I pointed out, Jesus says that men love darkness rather than light because their deeds are evil.

Jan had to admit her life was dark. She was gloomy. Something was wrong. We must look at the dark side.

She was crushed. There was no dark side, she insisted.

We prayed together. My prayer was that she would do as the Psalmist said: ”Search me, O God, and know my heart: try me, and know my thoughts: and see if there be any wicked way in me and lead me in the way everlasting” (Ps. 139:23, 24).

As the two of them continued with the counseling process, the true picture became clear. Jan was an affectionate person and liked to show it. Bill was more distant. He preferred to sit across the room from her. As the business grew, he became increasingly preoccupied. Sometimes she found herself wondering if he loved her or his fruit. Her complaint festered and grew when she was in the hospital. There she really played second fiddle to the business. She was shocked at her attitude and tried desperately to cover it up rather than admit it.

Bill was also shocked. He thought of himself as a devoted, loving husband who provided the best for his family. But it was true; he was giving them everything but himself.

Bill was not glad to know about his wife’s true feelings. He resented her attitude. They quarreled about it. It seemed that the weeks of counseling only made matters worse. But quarreling did not brush away the truth. He was giving his business more and more of his time and energy, and giving his family less and less.

Proverbs 28:13 is true. “He that covers his sins shall not prosper: but whoever confesses and forsakes them shall have mercy.”

It’s always hard to admit the dark side of truth. But light drives away the darkness if you walk in it.

It was true. They did resent each other. He felt she did not appreciate his efforts. She felt neglected. Each felt the other was wrong. When the light dawned, and each of them was able to acknowledge their own sins repentantly, they were on the way to restored fellowship.

Repentance always leads to forgiveness and renewal of fellowship. It’s always been that way.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

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Their story went like this. George came home one night and was greeted as usual in the living room with a tender kiss. But as he held Ellie in his arms, his eyes wandered to a corner of the room and he saw hanging from the ceiling a long, wavy cobweb.

He said nothing about it that night, or the next, but both times while maintaining a pleasant appearance, he said to himself in disgust, “What kind of a woman did I marry that she can’t keep her house clean?”

On the third night he said precisely, “Honey, there’s a cobweb hanging from the ceiling.”

Her response was to kiss him and laugh. “Oh George, dear, I see you’re going to make a good housewife out of me.”

He was relieved. He had won his point and kept her smiling.

But inwardly Ellie was appalled. “How long have his eyes been prying that out of the ceiling?”

Some nights later, George, watching Ellie wash dishes, could keep his peace no longer. “Dear,” he said, “Do you know you’re washing dishes cross-handed?”

“Cross-handed?” she asked. “What’s that?”

George told her gently how she could save time and energy by switching her washing position with the draining position to avoid the long reach-over. Inwardly, George was fuming at the simpleness of a woman who had to be told something so obvious.

“Oh George, honey,” she said. “I never thought of that.”

However, within Ellie, resentment flared: “Now he tells me how to run my kitchen!”

A few weeks later, deeply disillusioned, the newlyweds came to me.

As we discussed their problems, George said accusingly, “Can’t a man believe what his wife tells him, especially when she’s kissing him?”

Ellie retorted, “Did he have to hide his criticism behind sweet words?”

The quiet manner and tender kisses had been a smoke screen. George and Ellie were doing the right things because they were expected, but they had little meaning. They were living by the letter of the law, which Paul says, in 2 Corinthians 3:6, is deadly: “He has made us competent as ministers of a new covenant—not of the letter but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.”

George came to see that his problem was not his wife’s housekeeping, but his attitude toward her. Ellie came to acknowledge that her problem was not a critical husband, but her unwillingness to accept criticism. Together they asked God to help them speak the truth, in love, according to Ephesians 4:15: “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into Him who is the Head, that is, Christ...” in order to have a sound basis for working out their differences.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.