There are months on end when a husband and wife get along beautifully; and then, out of the clear blue sky, there are frequent disagreements. Then, just as mysteriously, things clear up. This is the ebb and flow, the fascination, the never-ending variety, the multitude of moods that make up family living.

Seldom, if ever, do the circumstances of living together transform two people into an ever-loving, ever-agreeable, happy couple–fairy tales, popular love songs, romance movies, and a gamble of fate notwithstanding.

A solid marriage involves a much greater challenge than simply finding a partner with whom you live happily ever after. It is more than some strange chemistry that draws and holds you together forever. Soon after the wedding day, you realize that marriage is a test of your character.

A solid marriage does not depend on perfectly matched partners. It is a lifetime process dependent on many choices made by two free individuals who deliberately choose to get along and who continuously sacrifice personal freedom and self-interest for a mutually agreeable way of life.

Everyone has at least a few good points–ability, talent, a unique kind of charm, interesting mannerisms, or pleasing ways. But put two people together, and before long irritations, conflicts, and differences of opinion arise in spite of the assets.

Before I married, I intended to be the most congenial, friendly, easy-going husband–ever. I thought Eva would be the most congenial, friendly, easy-going wife–ever. One night, prior to our wedding, she looked up into my eyes and said, “Henry, I will spend the rest of my life making you happy.”

That sounded great! Imagine, someone wanting to do that, for me! I loved it!

I responded immediately, “Eva, I will do the same for you.” And I meant it. You can imagine what a tender moment that was! We did not know we could not live up to those promises.

We went skiing on our honeymoon and got along fine. But we hit a snag the first night home. I went to visit the guys. Nothing unusual or unpredictable about that. These men were my lifelong friends. For years we had hung out together and planned weekend excursions. That night we planned a weekend skiing trip. I went home and casually informed my wife, “I’m going skiing over the weekend with the guys.”

Remember her promise to make me happy? This was her first chance to make good on that promise!

She said, “Oh no, you’re not! You’re married now. And you’re going to spend the weekend with me.”

I was astonished, bewildered. I felt betrayed. Our first big conflict. It was quite a deal. We debated for several days before I finally got my way. No woman was going to tell me I could not go skiing!

What an attitude … on both our parts. It had not taken us long to discover that our commitment to make each other happy was a flimsy one. Our first few years together were stormy, for we were using our respective creativity and intelligence to outmaneuver each other. Our intentions had been good, but not our ability to carry those intentions out.

My wife and I were jolted. We figured marriage would banish conflicts. No more problems with parents or siblings or friends. We would do as we pleased and express ourselves freely. To our dismay, we clashed over simple decisions.

How is it possible to feel so harshly toward someone you once felt such tenderness for? How is it possible to be repulsed at the idea of being touched by a person who you once so desired that restraint was a constant problem? How is it possible to have such sharp, unresolved conflicts when you once got along so well?

It’s a matter of walls. Invisible walls that loom up and cut off affection, tenderness, and the will to work at your relationship as you did during dating days. And it happens in all marriages.

Steve and Julie were five years into their marriage when I met them. Their relationship seemed good, at least compared to other marriages they knew about. They had much in common and had similar personalities. They were proud of their two small children. Their work with newlyweds at church was a source of great joy. Yet there was a problem that kept coming up. A wall had been constructed between them by their own hands. They were unable to see it until it was too late and they crashed into it, resulting in an “every-few-months blow-up.”

It could start in a number of ways, usually something small, like plans for the weekend. Steve arrived home from work ready to relax and recover from a hard week. “Hi, honey, I’m home,” was his greeting.

Julie, glad to see him, asked him about his workday and listened with interest as he related the events since he had left that morning. Sounds pretty good so far, doesn’t it? However, the fireworks are just about to get underway.

Julie was anxious to get the weekend planned since she liked to know what they would be doing to avoid wasting precious family time. “I hear the weather is going to be beautiful all weekend. Let’s go to the nursery Saturday morning and get some flowers to plant in the front yard. How about if we go out to that restaurant by the lake with some friends tomorrow night? I need to line up a babysitter now if we are going. What do you think?

What man would not be thrilled to come home to a wife who is so excited about the weekend? After all, she went to all of the trouble to think about their activities; surely Steve would be thrilled. However, Steve is the kind of guy who likes to have some unplanned time. His preference is to get up Saturday morning, after sleeping late, and do whatever comes to mind.

“Whoa, I’m tired, Julie. Why do we always have to have something planned? I just want to relax. We’ll see.”

Fuming, Julie withdrew into the kitchen, slamming pots and pans as she prepared dinner.

This exchange is a perfect example of Ezekiel 33:31, “… with their mouth they show much love, but their hearts pursue their own gain.”

This issue of weekend plans in and of itself doesn’t seem to be a big enough deal to precipitate a major problem between two people who love each other and truly enjoy each other’s company. Yet it is surprising how such a small bump can liberate all of the grievances we hold in our cup. Steve followed her into the kitchen and asked what was wrong. “Oh, nothing,” she said. If he doesn’t care enough about me to know how I feel, I’m sure not going to spell it out for him, she thought.

When Steve pressed her a few more times, Julie began to reel off all of the things she had been holding against him since the last big blowup. “You know I love being home with the kids, but just once in a while I wish we could go out. It’s been over a month. And I walk by that pathetic front yard every day. The weeds have taken over, and the spring rains have washed out most of the good dirt. The neighbors are starting to think that we just don’t care how our property looks.”

Steve met each charge as his own attorney for the defense, arguing passionately for his position with logic and skill in an effort to confuse and defeat her. “Don’t you think I want to go out? We agreed that we were going to try and cut back on our spending this month; besides, since when do we let our neighbors dictate to us how we spend our time and money? I agree these things need to be done, but we can’t do everything in the same day.”

Julie was ready for a rebuttal! “I’m not expecting everything to be done on the same day. I’ve been talking about this for weeks and nothing is happening. You also agreed that we need to paint the house and update our budget. Yet somehow you found time to go on that rafting trip last weekend.”

Now she had gone too far. Steve felt she was being ridiculous. “That’s not fair. You’re out of control. You encouraged me to go on that trip. Where is all of this coming from?”

The answer comes from another scripture passage: “Where do wars and fights come from among you? Do they not come from your desires for pleasure that war in your members?” (James 4:1).

At this point, the argument took on a “same old, same old” quality.

“I just want to make a plan. Is that so terrible? Why can’t you ever take the initiative on something? Aren’t you supposed to be the leader in our home?” Julie asked.

“Wait a minute, I work hard to make a good living for us. Don’t I get any credit for that?” Steve retorted.

“I can never say anything when you’re in a bad mood like this. You need to get right with God,” Julie admonished.

“I guess I should just realize that everything is my fault, Miss Perfect. How can you be so judgmental? You’re unbelievable!” Steve shot back.

When Julie’s irritations met Steve’s annoyance, the bricks they hurled at each other built a wall neither of them could see beyond. Soon anger was obviously a much bigger problem than their original difference of opinion, and the focus changed.

Finally, tired of fighting and satisfied that they had each made their points, they would make up. One would call a truce, and they would make some decision about the original disagreement. They would remove some of the bricks, but the wall of their individual self-centeredness remained. And they kept running into it.

It is incredible that people can get so distressed over such little things. But we do. One incident does not mean much, but the daily grind takes its toll. After a while, resentment sets in. One disagreement does not amount to much. Enough of them over a period of time build an invisible, divisive wall. In counseling, I hear many a puzzled spouse say, “We are just not close anymore.” “I can’t stand him even touching me. There’s nothing between us.” These statements are made by people who once thought marriage to that same person was a great idea.

In the thrill of romance during dating, the differences between you may have been ignored. After marriage, you are apt to declare that you do not want to give up who you are. The bricks are laid in place between you.

No one gets married planning madness. All of the dreaming and planning is about growing closer and more intimate, not about building walls of isolation between each other. We anticipate warm glances and friendly greetings, not cold stares and sarcastic remarks. We dream of fun family vacations, not dealing with disobedient children. We have found a soulmate, not an opponent! Where does this ship sailing toward marital bliss run onto the shoals of anger, bitterness, and estrangement?

To the single person, marriage is often viewed as a destination. Just getting there will be the key to living happily ever after. Soon after arrival, however, the destination turns into a journey, one filled with the possibilities of great happiness as well as the potential for great pain.

The journey at first seems mysterious, with many unexplained twists and turns that make you ill at ease. Soon, seeking to put some order into the situation, you construct a set of rules to live by. This is designed to prevent surprises so that you will always know what to expect from each other. But when the rules fail in the guarantee of happiness and the avoidance of pain, it becomes obvious that marriage must be about something more than rules.

It is clear to me, after years of living, counseling, and being married, that though there is mystery, it is merely the mystery of the human heart. And the human heart is forever turning to its own way. Isaiah 53:6 tells us, “We have turned, every one, to his own way.”

The journey is itself a series of destinations: to remain Christ-like, to communicate, to be like-minded, to live out proper roles, and to depend on God to lead and empower your marriage every step of the way.

Selfishness is a sin. Call it independence, call it a strong will, call it knowing your own mind–it’s still sin. The invisible walls that divide us will only be dismantled when we turn to God with repentant hearts and let Him cleanse our lives and fill them with His Spirit. We must seek to be unselfish and other centered as we build a marriage that will go the distance.

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Goals bring life into focus.
They give meaning and purpose to life.

The Bible says:

“For we must all appear afore the judgment seat of Christ, that each one may be recompensed for his deeds done in the body, according to what he has done, whether good or bad” (2 Corinthians 5:10).

In the long run, we will all see Jesus and give an account of how we managed these bodies of ours. He has given us instructions for living, and we will be evaluated on the basis of them. We will do well to prepare for that day.

King Solomon, who tried everything under the sun, came to the following conclusion:

“The conclusion, when all has been heard, is: fear God and keep His commandments, because this applies to every person. Because God will bring every act to judgment, everything which is hidden, whether it is good or evil” (Ecclesiastes 12:13-14).

We tend to get involved with people, activities, and things with a great surge of energy and pleasurable expectations. Anticipation fans our expectations. Our hope is that reaching an objective will result in great satisfaction and pleasure. Then, after several months or years of effort, we end up disillusioned.

Here are some goals that should satisfy, but don’t:

• Making money
• Acquiring things
• Building your own business
• Retiring with a good pension
• A trim figure
• Using talent and ability
• Marriage
• Parenthood

These are all good goals. Everyone must make a living and provide for his future. We all need to do what is necessary to maintain health and use our own talents and abilities. Who would quarrel with having marriage and a happy family life as a goal? Surely everyone who has worked until age 65 or 70 is entitled to an easy retirement.

However, if you know and keep the commandments, it means that in the process of making a living, making money, acquiring an estate, using your talent, staying fit, maintaining a marriage and a family, you do it all in a way that pleases Jesus, whom you love and who one day will evaluate you.

Everyone must live out life every day. How should we conduct ourselves in the process? Look at some Bible verses:

Not every one who says to Me, ”Lord, Lord,” will enter the kingdom of heaven; but he who does the will of My Father who is in heaven (Matthew 7:21).

Seek first His kingdom and His righteousness; and all these things shall be added to you (Matthew 6:33).

For the kingdom of God is not eating and drinking, but righteousness and peace and joy in the Holy Spirit. For he who in this way serves Christ is acceptable to God and approved of men (Romans 14:17-18).

He has told you, O man, what is good; and what does the LORD require of you but to do justice, to love kindness, and to walk humbly with your God (Micah 6:8).

The Creator of the universe is interested in what manner of person we are. He also wants us to entrust the people in our lives and the events of our lives into His hands. We can do everything possible to make things come out as we judge they should, knowing however, that our thoughts are not His thoughts, neither are our ways His ways.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and do not lean on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight (Proverbs 3:5-6).

I have learned to be content in whatever circumstances I am. I know how to get along with humble means, and I also know how to live in prosperity; in any and every circumstance I have learned the secret of being filled and going hungry, both of having abundance and suffering need. I can do all things through Him who strengthens me (Philippians 4:11-13).

In God I have put my trust, I shall not be afraid. What can man do to me? (Psalm 56:11).

Cast your burden upon the LORD, and He will sustain you; He will never allow the righteous to be shaken (Psalm 55:22).

Before the crisis comes, when all is peaceful, you can commit your ways and your loved ones into His hands. Because it is not a question of if some crisis will come. It’s a matter of when it will come. You must be ready.

Jesus once told his disciples: “Whoever wishes to become great among you shall be your servant; and whoever wishes to be first among you shall be slave of all. For even the Son of Man did not come to be served, but to serve, and to give His life a ransom for many” (Mark 10:43-45).

The happy physician, dentist, counselor, lawyer, builder, banker, husband, wife, father, or mother is the one who gives himself completely to the task. There may be rewards or there may not be. There may be appreciation or there may not be. A servant doesn’t perform services for rewards or appreciation. He serves in Jesus’ name and for His sake. He gives because he is a servant.

Everyone must make a living, provide for the future, maintain health, use his talents and abilities, and associate with family and friends. Doing these things causes a weariness of the flesh, unless you set proper goals.

• Grow in your knowledge of the commandments.
• Live righteously, peacefully, justly; love kindness; have a pure heart; take mistreatment patiently.
• Trust God to guide you and trust Him to bring people and events into and out of your life.
• Have the spirit of a servant; lose your life for Jesus’ sake and the gospel’s.

“To sum up, let all be harmonious, sympathetic, brotherly, kindhearted, and humble in spirit; not returning evil for evil, or insult for insult, but giving a blessing instead; for you were called for the very purpose that you might inherit a blessing” (1 Peter 3:8-9).

This is an excerpt of chapter 9 from Dr. Brandt’s book, I Want Happiness Now!, currently available as an e-book.

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>> Experience freedom and healing from sin problems

Paul follows up the principle of “Rejoice always” with “Pray without ceasing.” Give your days and situations to God, believing He is with you and trusting Him in every circumstance.

Paul then adds a third principle, “In everything give thanks.” In everything? Yes, because “this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

Reading these principles, you may be wondering, “Am I really expected to do all these things?” If you are seeking contentment, the answer is a resounding ”Yes!” Choosing to practice these principles will give you the peace you are looking for.

One example of finding peace and contentment through God’s principles can be found in the words of a man speaking at his wife’s funeral.

“I’m not hopeless,” he said. “I’ve got joy and peace in my heart. It comes from God and it’s available in a time like this. It’s found in Colossians 2, starting with verse six. ‘So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.’ (NIV).

The traditions of men say that in a time like this, you should be distraught, and upset. You should feel like the end of the world has come. You should be miserable. That’s the tradition of men. But, if you bear in mind the Word of God; it says rejoice all the time. Pray all the time. In everything give thanks. I’ve tapped that resource, and it can be yours too. How? By not worrying about the outcome of anything, but instead, putting your trust in God.”

What a testimony!

You can make a choice that you will live your life by God’s principles. You can rejoice all of the time, and pray all the time, and be filled with thanksgiving all of the time, if you remember to trust God and His Word during each day.

Read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; Colossians 2:6-8

Take a step . . .
Memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 or Colossians 2:6-8. Apply the principles of the passage you memorize to every situation you encounter daily for the next week.

This devotion is from Dr. Brandt’s message The Secret to Happiness.

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Many people are seeking relief from their desperately unhappy, frustrating, or hopeless condition. Frequently their situations cannot be reversed – whether it is unemployment, poverty, a broken marriage, relational conflicts, disability, or the death of a loved one.

It is true that we cannot prevent troublesome or sorrowful events from intruding into our lives. However, we can live heartily, joyfully, and considerately one day at a time. But we must rely on the power of choice and the resources of God if we are to discover such happiness.

We tend to chase that golden pot at the end of the rainbow, that something in the future that will bring us contentment. Hopefully, some new experience, some new success, some new relationship or some new degree of cooperation from the people around us will provide the happiness we seek. But we all know people – perhaps our own children, parents, or close friends – who have spent many years in pursuit of education, wealth, power, significant relationships, or religious experience. Their goal was a fulfilled, contented, productive life. But they ended up depressed, bitter, frustrated, or empty, with broken friendships and marriages. They didn’t learn to be content in their circumstances.

The pivotal point leading to joy, peace, and an abundant life is to love the Lord with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind (Matthew 22:37). But this is a choice and commitment that must be renewed many times each day.

There will be many temptations along the way to draw you from your original commitment, but the Bible contains a reassuring promise: “So, if you think you are standing firm, be careful that you don’t fall! No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it.” (1 Corinthians 10:12-13, NIV).

Are you choosing to look beyond your current trials so you can focus on God’s goodness and blessings? Are you choosing to be content with what God has already given you instead of insisting He fulfill still another desire? Are you choosing to trust God or your own limited understanding? Enduring happiness is really only possible if you live life God’s way.

Everyone, every day, faces a multitude of choices. Your sense of self-respect, of loving yourself, depends upon making those choices within the framework of God’s commandments and His plan for your life!

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>> How can I find happiness and satisfaction in my marriage?

We tend to chase that golden pot at the end of the rainbow, that something in the future that will bring us contentment. Hopefully, some new experience, some new success, some new degree of cooperation or obedience from the people around us, or meeting someone new will make us happy.

I’ve listened to many people describe their hopes with excitement in their voices; their eyes sparkle, and happy smiles light up their faces. Generally, such optimism consumes us when there are prospects for something new in the future.

I’ve listened to the same people who have been in pursuit of something new for a while–perhaps years. Their hopes have turned to ashes. As they recount what happened, their eyes are slits, the corners of their mouths are turned down. Their voices tremble.

We all know people–perhaps our own children, parents, or close friends–who have spent many years in pursuit of education, wealth, power, social life or religious life. Their goal was a fulfilled, contented, productive life. But they ended up depressed, sour, bitter, frustrated and empty, with broken friendships and marriages. They didn’t learn “to be content in whatever circumstances” they were.

Jim and Betty illustrate the futility of seeking contentment through financial success and accomplishments.

Jim is a big, strong, brilliant, talented man. His wife is an energetic, personable, competent lady.

Jim moved from extreme poverty as a child to reach a boyhood dream of owning his own business and becoming financially independent. He was a dreamer, an innovator, a pioneer. For fourteen years Jim poured his entire life into the challenge of developing a motor-driven recreational vehicle. A company agreed to produce it, and quickly this motor-home company was out producing and outselling all the competitors in the U.S.

Jim’s dream came true. He had developed an industry-changing concept––a success story. And…at the center of the dream was financial success.

But Jim and Betty were not people with only a dollar in mind. One employee needed an operation and they paid the bill. They helped several employees with down payments on their homes. Another employee was confined to a wheelchair, but Jim hired him to wait on customers. Jim even arranged to have a special room built onto this man’s house, designed to make life as comfortable as possible for him.

So, Jim was a nice guy, wasn’t he? He was pleased because his idea made a contribution to making life more pleasant for American families. He ultimately walked away from the effort with several million dollars. He’d done it. Now he could take it easy the rest of his life. It was just a matter of picking the place to retire.

Jim and Betty’s search ended when they chose a plush condominium on one of Florida’s choicest oceanfront sites. “All my life I figured contentment would come when I reached this level in life,” he said. “Now I could almost taste it.”

Jim and his family arrived in Florida–ready to enjoy life fully. They accumulated the obligatory BMW, a fishing boat, a twin-engine plane.

So, Jim started into the good life. He’d made it. And big. Or had he?

“No. I hadn’t. I had expected contentment to come with a better job…more money…the ultimate life. But after a few months of nonstop golf, tennis, and walking the beach, I found it wasn’t true. I was completely empty.”

Even though Jim was an American success story and Mr. Nice Guy when it came to consideration for his fellow man…still, he was empty.

Betty was by his side all the way. She, too, had the rug pulled out from under her. Many of her hopes for her family turned to ashes. There were strained relations between her and Jim.

What, or where, is the key to contentment? For Betty and Jim, hard work, success, and wealth had led to an empty pot at the end of the rainbow.

There is a happy ending. They came to realize that, in reality, the qualities of hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, and dissension described in Galatians 5:20 were robbing them of the good life they had worked so hard to find.

Confession, repentance, receiving forgiveness and cleansing, and allowing God to strengthen them day by day was the solution to their emptiness.

The change in their lives has been incredible. The husband-wife tension has slipped away. Family problems continue but no longer tear up their world. They don’t have to travel around the world to find contentment. They have discovered the basic truth that contentment isn’t dependent on people or circumstances. It comes from a person’s relationship with God.

If they continue to turn Godward for the qualities that only God can give–love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)–they will become two indestructibles.