“Three years ago I was bedridden. I had a half-dozen things wrong with my body. I just lay in my room, disgusted with God that He should allow such misery to come to one who had served Him as I had. My only consolation was the radio. One day your counseling program came on. You spoke about the importance of forgiving those who had wronged us. You quoted Matthew 6:15, ‘But if you forgive not men their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses.’ ‘Of course,’ I said to myself, ‘he’s no doubt young and healthy and has everything going for him. Nothing ever happened to him like it has to me. It’s easy for him to forgive.’ The following week, I was determined not to listen to you, but I did. You said that unforgiveness can cause misery for the one who refuses to forgive. You quoted from James 3:14 and 16, ‘But if you have bitter envying and strife in your hearts, glory not … for where envying and strife is there is confusion and every evil work.’ I yelled at my wife to turn that radio off. In the silence that followed, those words continued to resound in my soul. I have never experienced such anguish. When it came time for your program the next week, somehow I couldn’t keep the radio off. That time your Scripture was Isaiah 32:17, ‘And the work of righteousness will be peace; and the effect of righteousness will be quietness and assurance forever.’ I was a wretched man, but a thoughtful one, when you finished speaking that day. ‘What he says is from the Lord,’ I told myself. ‘The strife and confusion that he spoke about certainly describes me – and I have no peace or quietness, so where is my righteousness?’

I have a son and daughter, both married. Their two families entered business together, but by dishonest means one family wrestled the business from the other. Bitterness flared in my heart toward the guilty pair. I said I could never forgive the evil deeds that brought so much turmoil to my home. But there on my sickbed after the third broadcast, I began to see that by refusing to forgive, I was hurting only myself. I cried out to God to forgive me. In my heart, I forgave my children. I committed the whole matter to God. Eventually, the wrong was made right, but it wasn’t this happy development that brought me health again. My crippling ailments disappeared when my bitterness was taken away. That is what forgiveness did in my life.”

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

After 23 years of marriage, Frank had become interested in a younger woman in his office. Kate said she could see why. Kate’s hair was gray, her hands showed the years of housework she had done, her face was lined with the wrinkles of middle age. She was tired much of the time and was subject to frequent and sudden illnesses.

Someone suggested that before they take the fateful step of filing for divorce they ought to seek professional counseling. They agreed, almost against their better judgment.

In the first meeting it was Frank, not the injured Kate, who was depressed. He confessed he had tried suicide once, not seriously, but his mind was running in that direction.

“Time after time I’ve asked Kate to forgive me for my one instance of unfaithfulness,” he said with a sigh. “But she won’t forgive.”

It was clear that she felt greatly offended. Yet not all love for Frank had perished. She wanted to continue their marriage, but did not think there was any way it could be done.

“Frank wants to quit his job in the mortgage firm where he’s worked for 20 years,” she said. “He claims he can start his own business.”

She would not accept the idea. She spoke of how her father had given up a good job to open a meat market, and how competition put him out of business. From then on the family had lived from hand to mouth. “Is this what I’m supposed to go through again?” she asked. “No thanks.”

Frank looked on her refusal to go along as her lack of trust in his ability. For this he almost hated her. “Any wife who loves her husband will give him a chance to prove himself,” he complained. “Kate won’t even give me the chance to prove I’m not cheating on her any more.”

The matter of hatred and being a Christian came up in the second counseling session, when Frank came alone. He stated that he was a born-again believer. “But I’ve been a pretty poor excuse for a Christian,” he said.

“That’s what you have been,” the counselor agreed. “But you don’t need to go on that way.” The counselor then opened the Bible to 1 John 1:9. “Read it,” he said.

“If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.” Frank Bonner looked up, a half smile on his lips as he read. “That’s simple enough” he said.

Over the next week he came to understand God’s offer of forgiveness. He leveled with God that he had sinned against his wife and that much of their trouble stemmed from his negative attitude toward their marriage. He repented of his past wrongs, and experienced God’s cleansing.

During the next meeting he prayed for God’s grace to be the kind of Christian he ought to be, and that he might love his wife despite her feelings toward him.

Kate Bonner kept the appointment for a meeting separate from her husband’s. The counselor discovered she had come from a home in which the Bible and the church had never been given a hearing. She was reared with a “look out for yourself” philosophy. She had never forgiven her father for the way he treated her mother, or for his ill-conceived move that left the family nearly destitute. She spoke disparagingly of her mother for having a weak character. In fact, Kate never forgave anyone for failing to come up to what she expected of them.

“Why should I forgive Frank,” she asked, “after what he’s done to me?”

If their home was to continue, as she maintained that she wanted it to, the counselor advised that she would have to forgive Frank.

“I tell you,” she replied, “I can’t forgive him.”

The counselor then discussed the Old Testament account of the unfaithful wife of Hosea.

“What’s that got to do with me?” she demanded. “Frank was in the wrong, not me.”

“That’s true,” said the counselor. “Hosea’s wife was in the wrong, but Hosea forgave her.”  The counselor explained that the prophet’s account depicted an unfaithful nation, which God forgave and restored.

“But you said that happened centuries ago,” Kate said. “What’s that got to do with me?”

“In the Bible, God has included lessons that are relevant in the lives of people today,” the counselor answered. “If a holy God could forgive a disobedient nation of people, can’t we as individuals forgive those who mistreat us?”

This led to a discussion on God’s forgiveness—how God permitted Jesus Christ to bear the guilt of the world’s sin by dying on the cross. In that act of sacrifice, God forgave those who have failed to come up to the high standard that He expects all of us to keep.

“Mrs. Bonner, if you are going to benefit by God’s forgiveness, you must accept it,” the counselor said.

For the first time in her life, Kate felt that perhaps she was in need of forgiveness. She never had claimed to be perfect—but in failing to be perfect, wasn’t there an area in her own life that demanded forgiveness from the One of whose standards she had fallen short?

In the next session she admitted that she was a sinner in need of God’s forgiveness. Quietly, she bowed her head and received Jesus Christ as her Savior.

“Thank you for forgiving me,” she simply said to the Lord.

She then began to enumerate the persons against whom she had held grudges and whom she should forgive.

“There’s Frank of course,” she said as she wiped away a tear.

Although both her parents were dead, she committed to the Lord the harsh feelings she had always held toward them. She readily placed several others under her new broad umbrella of forgiveness.

After 23 years of rocky, turbulent marriage, the Bonners now had a new foundation on which to build a solid relationship—a foundation of love, understanding, and forgiveness.

It was in this spirit that they could, for the first time, sit down and discuss in a rational manner whether or not it was good for Frank to go into business for himself.

[The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

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That statement caught my attention. What kind of memories? Isn’t it good to have happy memories? Is it possible that there are unhappy memories that crowd out the happy ones? I encouraged her to recall some unhappy memories toward the people who caused the accident that killed her husband.

She took me by surprise. Yes, there were unhappy memories. They centered around that motorcycle. She did not want him to buy it. In the first place, it was a strain on the budget. They could not afford a powerful motorcycle and a decent car–so they drove a ten-year-old car. They would go for long motorcycle rides in the evenings. He was a bit reckless, cutting in and out, going too fast. She hated those rides. He loved them. He insisted on riding the motorcycle to church. She despised showing up at church with her helmet and messed-up hair.

One night he proposed that they go for a ride. It was an ideal evening. She did not want to go. The discussion became heated, but she stood her ground. He went for a ride alone. A car went through a stop sign and hit him broadside. He died on the pavement.

How does she feel when she talks about this? It makes her mad. He left her with an old car, house payments, and even motorcycle payments. He was underinsured, which left her to pay off some debts. She hates writing those checks. If only he had listened to her, it would not have happened. Her thoughts are usually disapproval of his choices. She resents the position he left her in. Over and over, she reviews her grudge against him.

I could see another problem. But when to speak and when to wait is often difficult to discern. The Bible says, “Speaking the truth in love, we will in all things grow up into him who is the Head, that is, Christ” (Ephesians 4:15).

My heart went out to her. Was she ready for my opinion? What does she think I will say? She thinks I will tell her to quit resenting her husband. But she tells herself that she is entitled to resent him. I agree. Her husband left her in a mess. She can nurse her grudge against her husband as long as she wishes. But she must realize that she is punishing herself. As long as she holds her grudge, her life is anchored in the past. Over and over again she relives the agony of that day and nurses her resentment. She can be released from this bondage only if she is ready to let it go.

Jesus instructs us to forgive men their trespasses (Matthew 6:14) and to love one another (John 13:34), so I finally said, “One option you have is to forgive your husband, repent of your resentment, let the Lord forgive you, and then ask him to fill your heart with love.”

She was ready for that opportunity. I observed a miracle as she released her grudge, asked for forgiveness, and received the love of God in her heart. Immediately she was released from her burden, and now she is free.

Amy’s experience illustrates what happens when two problems coexist. One can overshadow the other. It seems reasonable that the tragic death of her husband would explain her misery. In this case however, it was the resentment that held the sting.

[This story is taken from Dr. Brandt’s book, The Word for the Wise. The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.]

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Dear Bill:

I don’t have to remind you of the problem Mom always was. How well you knew her self-pity, sarcasm, jealousy, suspicion, injustice, self-righteousness, and nagging that ended only in long periods of sulky silence. You rebelled openly, but my rebellion was silent. I buried the bitterness and resentment, but I buried them in the wrong place. I hid them in my heart and they have come back to torment me. Even after she died, I blamed Mom for making me the wretched person I was.

Things got worse after Ken and I married. I no longer had the moral support of family and friends to bolster my attitude. I was suddenly surrounded by new people, and a new set of circumstances. In them, I discovered a new measurement of myself, and in the balance I was found wanting. About a year ago, a series of events brought me to a long conversation with the Lord. When it was over, I realized I couldn’t go through life blaming someone else for what I was. The trouble was, I didn’t know what to do, I only added confusion to resentment.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Henry Brandt came to speak in our town. Talking to him privately, I told him in more detail what I’ve told you. He said I needed to do two things: 1) forgive Mom, and 2) pray for grace to face the kind of people to whom I react bitterly. He said that if the memories of Mom stir rancor in me, it is because rancor is in me. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts…wickedness…pride and foolishness” (Mark 7:21-22).

My problem, then, turns out to be not Mom, but me and my relationship with the Lord. Because Christ offers peace and joy in place of bitterness and anger, the question boils down to this: Do I accept what He has to offer, or don’t I?

Bill, I have made my choice, but much still remains to be worked out in my daily life. Frankly, I’m a little scared. However, although I know a lot about my own weakness, I also know something about the strength of the Lord.

All through the years, our problem of rebelliousness and hatred has been the same. The answer is the same, too. I want you to enjoy the wonderful peace that has come into my life through Christ.

Your sis,

Linda

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

But Peter, now 22, was far from being the happy fellow that folks supposed him to be. After a promising start as a tool designer, he lost his job and then two others after short trials. He renounced his church. He became involved in escapades that would have been public scandals had they been known.

This sensitive, yet outwardly impersonal young man finally came to my office for help. I discovered that while acting the part of an exemplary youth, Peter had possessed private thoughts that violently opposed the principles of his upbringing. He had repressed these thoughts all through his school years, then discarded the old restraints when he left home. And still he wasn’t happy!

Probing for the reasons of his earlier parental obedience, I discovered that it was mainly from fear. “They made me feel evil if I disobeyed them. I was afraid they wouldn’t love me or that they would belt me or give me a tongue lashing if I did anything against their standards.”

Thoroughly tired of blind obedience, this honor student rebelled against authority after leaving home. He built up resentment against his bosses and acquaintances and walled himself off.

Peter had apparently chosen a new set of standards for his life, one almost opposite to that of his parents. This was his privilege, but he must not expect them to approve of his standards, I emphasized. Their treatment of Peter may have been a “bum deal” from his perspective, but he had to grant them the right to maintain their own beliefs.

When Peter focused on his situation objectively, he could say, “I see now why I lost interest in my work; tool designing was Dad’s idea.” He also understood his restlessness and carelessness as darts he was throwing at his parents to punish them for their harsh supervision. When he forgave them, the wails of resentment tumbled.

Previously, Peter had not dared to admit personal sin, because he had been warned that an angry God punishes sin. Now, Peter saw that Christ died to “forgive and put away all sin.” He started picking spiritual skeletons out of his closet and acknowledging them to God, standing on 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Peter decided, after all, that his parents’ standards were the ones he wanted. He got his first job back. He now accepts people for what they are. He has discovered that life is worth living in the full freedom of Christ.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.