The issue was over dancing in gym class. Hal Dolan had said flatly that their son should not participate.

Melissa Dolan had agreed in front of her husband, but privately gave their son permission to participate. Hal found out about it through a conversation with a neighbor who had visited the gym class.

That night at dinner Mr. Dolan asked his son Dave, “What do you do during gym class?”

”I study in the library” he lied. Then Mr. Dolan told them what he had heard. There was a bitter fight that night. Hal ordered Dave to obey him. Dave refused. His mother backed Dave.

Mr. Dolan threatened to leave and Melissa told him to go. His bluff was called. He didn’t leave, but they hadn’t spoken since.

It was impossible to talk to them together. One contradicted the other. After many sessions, it became clear that this incident was only the last straw. Across the years they had clashed over many issues.

The Dolans were competitors, opponents. I referred them to a Biblical principle: “I appeal to you, brothers, in the name of our Lord Jesus Christ, that you agree with one another so that there may be no divisions among you and that you may be perfectly united in mind and thought” (1 Corinthians 1:10).

This was inconceivable to them. Even though they went to church regularly they never really took the Bible seriously, and they seldom consulted it. Mr. Dolan perceived his role as head of the house to mean that he should give the orders without consulting his wife. To consider her opinion meant that he was weak. To her, it was important that she stick up for her rights, or she would lose her identity.

”What you are really saying,” I told them separately, “is that you must have your own way.” Both had the personal problem of selfishness. The issue over folk dancing only brought their problem to a head.

After many counseling sessions together, there was finally a confession to the Lord of selfishness and a plea to Him for help in getting on the same team. With a new spirit of oneness between them, the Dolans are now working out a mutually agreeable and satisfactory life together.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

More Articles About Marriage

>>> Successful Marriage

>>> Happy Marriage Secrets

>>> Fix Marriage Problems

>>> Marriage God’s Way

How has this website helped you?

The demands of a child will keep you constantly aware of your spirit, your diligence, and your sincerity.

Guiding children is a long, hard, demanding responsibility. But so is any rewarding job. Expending the energy to interact with one another is part of living. Parenthood is a 20-year-long haul, and it becomes the most demanding when children are in their late teens.

Guiding children requires that parents set limits for their children, which notably demands not only working together to set limits, but also to administer them. Thus, parenthood is a continuous, ongoing test of the marriage partnership. Not only must limits be set, but as children grow older, they need to be adjusted. All of this requires good will and cooperation between parents.

Interacting with people is tiring. There are good days and there are bad days. One day you have happy children. Another day it seems they are grumpy all day long.

Some days all goes smoothly. No one is stepping over the limits or challenging the calls. Other days you are called upon to make some debatable decisions. Guiding children isn’t something that interferes with your life–it’s part of life. Half the battle in parenthood is accepting the task and the never-ending surprises and frustrations that keep coming up.

Setting limits and dealing with the inevitable resistance from the children to some of the limits is a real test of the marriage. There is either cooperation or competition over setting the limits and how to supervise them. You are doing or requiring something you believe is worthwhile and in the best interests of your child. If you hold on to that conviction, you will have enough conviction to see it through.

If parents are competitors rather than partners, they will likely have two sets of limits–one set when mother is home alone, another set when father is home alone.

The result? Bedlam. The children will begin to play one parent against the other. Or it can result in the withdrawal of one of the parents from the discipline process.

You will either enjoy the job of parenting or it will irritate you. You either cooperate with your partner or you compete. You either diligently rise to the demands of the job, or you neglect it.

You build your own self-respect or self-love as you cooperate with your partner in setting limits and administering them…as you remain loyal, cooperative, submissive, and committed to do all in your power to guide your children into becoming wholesome, happy, contributing adults.

This is an excerpt of chapter 11 from Dr. Brandt’s book I Want Happiness Now! currently available as an e-book.

Want more? Click here…

>> Find life-changing insights arranged topically by need

>> Listen to dynamic audio messages by Dr. Brandt

>> Experience freedom and healing from sin problems
Click here to let us know how this helped you.

That scripture’s standard doesn’t leave much leeway, does it? There’s little room for individuality or for you to do your own thing. But those who proceed into marriage with an individualistic mindset create disharmony in their relationship, and usually end up lonely and unhappy.

However, when two people come to the place where they have the same mind, the same judgment, the same outlook, and the same goals–yes, they have given up their individuality, but they don’t lose their creativity. The relationship is centered on cooperation rather than opposition. They are working together.

Cooperation creates the oil that makes an effective relationship possible. And the golden thread that runs through that oil is love. Not the kind of love the world offers, that is stimulated by other people and other things, but the kind of love that God gives you. His love enables you to let go of your own way.

His love will allow you to relate to the other person with an attitude that is described in 1 Corinthians 13:4-8 (presented here in the Philips translation).

The love of which I speak is:

Slow to lose patience.

It looks for a way to be constructive.

It’s not possessive.

It is neither anxious to impress, nor does it cherish inflated ideas of its own importance.

Love has good manners, and it does not pursue selfish advantage.

It is not touchy.

It does not compile statistics of evil or gloat over the wickedness of other people.

On the contrary, it is glad when truth prevails.

Love knows no limits of its endurance, no end to its trust, no fading of its hope. It can outlast anything, and it is, in fact, the one thing that still stands when all else has fallen.

When you have this kind of love, you have what no human being can give you – you have the foundation for building an effective marriage.

Take a step . . .

Do you have this kind of love? If not, and you find yourself struggling in the midst of holding on to your own individuality, take a moment to open your heart to God in prayer, asking Him to fill you with His kind of love.

“Lord, I’ve been wrong. Forgive me for wanting my own way. Fill me with your Spirit of love that will allow me the security to let my individuality go. I want my creativity to be centered on cooperation with my spouse, rather than opposition. In Jesus Name, Amen.”

This summary is from Dr. Brandt’s message Key to a Successful Marriage.

More Articles About Marriage

>>> Successful Marriage

>>> Tips for a Happy Marriage

>>> Fix Marriage Problems

>>> Marriage God’s Way

How has this website helped you?

That’s a picture of two people whose hearts are set on similar things, their minds work together, their plans are the same, and their objectives are the same. That’s cooperation, and that’s how marriage should work.

But the normal kind of relationship between two or more people today is competitive, not cooperative. One partner has an idea on how something should go, and the other partner has their idea on how it should go. Does that sound familiar?

This condition is described in Isaiah 53:6 as selfishness. The actual verse says, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned every one to his own way.” You can’t build an effective relationship until you come to grips with this tendency of selfishness. Selfishness often happens whenever a decision has to be made between you and your partner. You don’t even have to work at it.

Talking it over, thinking there just needs to be more understanding, probably won’t work. It can just solidify your opposition to the other’s viewpoint, because the more you understand their viewpoint, the less you appreciate it. Maybe you try talking it over with friends. That too probably won’t work, for the same reason that just you and your partner talking it over didn’t work.

So when it comes to you both trying ways of coming to the right decision, and none work, you have to face the fact that you’ve hit a stalemate. You also have to face the fact that somebody has to have the last word and be the leader, or the problem won’t be solved. That’s a tough conclusion to come to, because even though you’ve tried ways to solve the dilemma, nothing has really changed. Why? You each still want your own way. You are still competing.

What is it that feeds the competition you still find yourselves involved in? It’s that selfish attitude that is still in control. Selfishness is the great hindrance to cooperation.

But you don’t need to be stuck there, in that spirit of selfishness. You just need a Savior. You need to surrender your competitive nature to God and let him give you an attitude of cooperation.

Take a step . . .

Do you want your marriage to work? Then make the choice to invite Christ into your life and into your relationship. Ask Him to fill you with a spirit of cooperation and choose daily to approach your marriage in a cooperative way.

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s message Restoring Harmony in Marriage.

Want more? Click here…

> Find life-changing insights arranged topically by need

> Listen to dynamic audio messages by Dr. Brandt

> Experience freedom and healing from sin problems

Are you and your spouse not getting along?

The foundation upon which you build your marriage relationship is a mutually agreeable and mutually binding plan. That’s what makes marriage successful. It’s not a “tingle”; it’s a lifetime commitment. It’s not competition; it’s cooperation.

Is your partnership built on this foundation? You can measure the strength of your marriage by Paul’s instructions in 1 Corinthians 1:10 where he says, “I beseech you brethren, by the Name of the Lord Jesus Christ, that ye all speak the same thing, and that there be no divisions among you; but that ye be perfectly joined together in the same mind and in the same judgment.”

Just as teammates have to go into a game with the same plan, you and your partner must approach your marriage, not with the attitude of “me vs. you,” but with the attitude of being fully committed to the same plan.

“That sounds good,” you say, “but what happens when something happens and I find myself confronted by a stalemate, me on one side and my partner on the other?”

If you’re preoccupied with your partner’s choices because you feel your serenity, your peace, your joy, and your love are determined by those choices, you will struggle in the midst of a stalemate. You will find yourself exhibiting a selfish, antagonistic, competitive spirit.

However, if you access the Spirit of God, letting Him fill your heart with love, no matter what your partner does, you will exude a loving spirit. Your attitude will be cooperative, instead of competitive, because you have accessed the love of God.

When you are faced with difficulties in your marriage, you’ll be able to submit yourself to God’s will, which, according to Ephesians 5:22-23 teaches, “Wives, submit yourselves unto your own husbands, as unto the Lord. For the husband is the head of the wife, even as Christ is the head of the church: and he is the savior of the body” (KJV).

The husband’s relationship to his wife must be the same as Jesus’ relationship to the church. His first responsibility is the well being of his wife – to help her become the finest, loveliest, best woman she could possibly be. When a husband leads the partnership in this way, with both partners’ attitudes established by the Spirit of God, the marriage will be satisfying for both individuals and they will be content and happy in the marriage.

Take a step . . .

You don’t have to have issues that go on and on. Are you willing to come to grips with the fact that you need to eliminate your spirit of selfishness and approach your relationship in a spirit of cooperation? Confess to God your need for his leadership in your life. Find one opportunity today to express to your spouse your new desire to have an attitude of cooperation.

This summary is from Dr. Brandt’s transcript Who is the Leader?

More Articles About Marriage

>>> Happy Marriage Secrets

>>> Tips for a Happy Marriage

>>> Fix Marriage Problems

>>> Marriage God’s Way