The couple would plan to go to a Sunday school class party or a family gathering, but Marilyn would beg off at the last minute. She just wasn’t up to socializing. Charles would feel sorry for her, change the evening’s plans and stay home. After several weeks of staying home, he would become blue. Then she would feel guilty for causing him to give up his social life and she would start going out. But he knew she was doing it just for him, so he would feel guilty and stay home more. It was a vicious circle, actually a battle of wills, his versus hers.

At her first appointment, nothing in the world seemed good to Marilyn. I remarked that she was a miserable woman.

“Oh, I’m a Christian,” she replied. “And I’ve got a nice husband, a good home, and a fine church. I suppose I should be happy.”

“No,” I assured her. “It’s your choice to be miserable in spite of all the good things in your life.”

Over a three-month period, Marilyn slowly disclosed how she was gradually withdrawing from life. The home she was raised in had been one of constant distress; she always seemed to be in the middle of combative parents. She learned it was easier to duck than to take the chance of getting hurt. This protective attitude had carried over into her married life. Now it was simpler to stay home rather than risk being hurt.

One day, Marilyn decided to stop ducking. She said she was going to ask God for help to accept her husband’s social life.

For three months, she was a happy Christian. Then she came back, depressed again.

I helped her see that she was depressed because she changed her mind about wanting to venture out. Again, she cast her burden on the Lord and went away rejoicing. But after awhile she returned, defeated as before.

Her moods continually alternate. She knows how to turn her troubles over to the Lord, and she has proved that it works. But I am afraid that she hasn’t yet taken to heart Jesus’ words in John 15:4, “Abide in me.” Hers is not a daily walk with the Lord. Alternately she casts her burdens on the Lord and takes them upon herself. She empties them out and then slowly collects them again.

To “abide” is to enjoy Christ’s victory over self. We must consistently depend on God in order to consistently experience Him. He can and will live in us if we allow His Spirit to work in us.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Every night he has a decision to make. Either he will simply leave his car parked in the driveway, or he will back her car out of the carport, move it over, and drive his in. According to him, you see, his whole demeanor, peace of mind, and joy depends upon a choice that his wife initially makes.

Is this true?

This man believes he is at the mercy of his wife’s choices. He is unhappily aware of the fact that she knows what he wants, and won’t do it.

When you know that someone won’t do something that is important to you, you have some options. You can accept the person for who they are or you can resent that person, become bitter, and dwell on the fact that there is something this person isn’t doing that you want them to do, which can ruin your relationship.

A lady was telling me about her husband who knew how she expected him to dress. Time and again, when they went to a gathering where most of the men would wear ties, he would come prancing out of the house in a sport shirt. This upset her, but he always said, “Calm down honey, it’s alright.”

He was an extrovert, one of those hand-shaking, back-slapping, loud people. She was quiet and shy, and it always annoyed her when he acted that way. It got so she could hardly stand him. This man had many wonderful qualities, but he was loud, a back slapper, and insisted on wearing a sport shirt.

He realized that she was upset, and decided to do something nice for her. He said, “Honey, let’s go on a Caribbean cruise.”

A cruise ship out on the Caribbean Sea in the moonlight does sound great, doesn’t it? She liked the idea and figured the change in scenery would be good for their relationship. What kind of a situation could you possibly get into that would be more likely to bring the best out of you than being on a cruise ship in the Caribbean Sea in the moonlight?

The first night they were on board the cruise ship, he comes bursting out of the state room in a sport shirt! She thought he should have worn a tie, but he didn’t. They headed for the deck to socialize with some of the other passengers. Her husband was the same hand-shaking, back-slapping, loud, joking person he was at home.

She told me, “You, know, I discovered something about me that night. I was my same nasty self in the Caribbean as I was at home.” This was a startling discovery to her, that her inner life did not depend on her circumstances!

If you really want to be free, if you want to live a life of joy, you need to be aware of the other people in your life. Every person has an agreeable side. But everyone also has that other side, that part of their personality that is annoying. Often what divides us is that we are antagonistically aware of the annoyances of other people. And if we’re honest with ourselves, frequently the issues do not really amount to much.

Here is the key point: Your response to life is not determined by people and circumstances.

There is a key concept that can help us with this critical point. The apostle Paul wrote in 1 Corinthians 3:1, “I could not speak unto you as unto spiritual, but as unto carnal.” This word from the King James version of the Bible is a significant word to understand: carnal. Carnality, Paul says includes “envy, strife, and divisions” (verse 3 of the same chapter). In other words, if there is envy of any kind, you are annoyed, disgruntled, and/or jealous over someone else’s success, opportunity, or wealth. Carnality includes strife, wrangling, scrapping, fighting, disagreeing, and unresolved issues.

Which are you: carnal or spiritual? Carnal–a life characterized by envy, arguing, quarreling, striving, and unresolved conflicts; or spiritual–a person filled with the spirit of God and a life filled with love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self-control (as described in Galatians 5: 2-23)?

The people in the opening stories of this article are carnal. They may believe in Jesus Christ, but they have not allowed His Spirit to change them. They still want to have things their own way! In Ephesians 4:31-32, Paul tells us to “Let all bitterness, and wrath and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you.”

Isaiah 59:1-2 instructs us: “The Lord’s hand is not shortened that it cannot save; neither His ear heavy, that it cannot hear. But your iniquities have separated between you and your God, and your sins have hid His face from you, that He will not hear.”

There are times when people cry out to God and He doesn’t seem to hear, and sometimes it is because they are not approaching Him on His terms. What is it that separates you from God? You might have tried to contact Him and it seems like you can’t get in touch with Him. It is important for us to realize that we do not get in touch with God by telling Him about somebody else, but by telling Him about ourselves!

Isaiah 53:6 begins with, “All we like sheep have gone astray; we have turned everyone to his own way.”

This was the difficulty with the people in the stories above. The man said, “Park your car to the side.” His wife said, “I will park it where I please.” The lady said, “Please wear a tie.” Her husband said, “I won’t.”

You see how true the Bible is! What is this dilemma? What is it that divides people? All of us, like sheep, have gone astray. All of us. We have gone, everyone, where? Unto our own way. Isn’t this the sweetest music to anyone’s ears, “Let’s do it my way!”? This is the predicament: when we put two or more people together, it becomes a contest. I want my way versus your way.

The rest of the verse in Isaiah says, “And the Lord hath laid on Him, the iniquity of us all.”

What is the iniquity of us all? It is this strong drive in every person to have things their own way!

So the first step in experiencing true freedom is to come to grips with the fact that you have a tendency to go your own way. There is actually a great deal of hope in this, because you can admit to your own desire to want things your own way.

This is why you need a Savior. You need to be saved from yourself, to be saved from having to have your own way. You need Jesus Christ in your life. Jesus said, “Behold, I stand at the door and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me” (Revelation 3:20).

Why do you need to invite Jesus Christ to come into your life? So He can correct the tendency in you to have it your own way. Until this is corrected, any little thing you do not like about someone else can ruin your relationship. The preparation for being a free individual, free from other people’s choices, decisions, and actions, is to come to grips with this tendency in your life. How do you do this? By admitting that you want things your own way, inviting Jesus Christ to come into your life, and then asking God to forgive you and give you the power to be able to live freely. Then, and only then, will you be able to begin the journey to getting along well with others.

When you invite Jesus into your life, He gives you the ability to accept the people in your life for who they are. This includes their positive qualities as well as their weaknesses. Contentment is a quality God will give you and His contentment does not depend upon the perfect behavior of one of your friends, your spouse, or your children. True contentment comes from God.

Paul follows up the principle of “Rejoice always” with “Pray without ceasing.” Give your days and situations to God, believing He is with you and trusting Him in every circumstance.

Paul then adds a third principle, “In everything give thanks.” In everything? Yes, because “this is the will of God in Christ Jesus concerning you.”

Reading these principles, you may be wondering, “Am I really expected to do all these things?” If you are seeking contentment, the answer is a resounding ”Yes!” Choosing to practice these principles will give you the peace you are looking for.

One example of finding peace and contentment through God’s principles can be found in the words of a man speaking at his wife’s funeral.

“I’m not hopeless,” he said. “I’ve got joy and peace in my heart. It comes from God and it’s available in a time like this. It’s found in Colossians 2, starting with verse six. ‘So then, just as you received Christ Jesus as Lord, continue to live in him, rooted and built up in him, strengthened in the faith as you were taught, and overflowing with thankfulness.’ (NIV).

The traditions of men say that in a time like this, you should be distraught, and upset. You should feel like the end of the world has come. You should be miserable. That’s the tradition of men. But, if you bear in mind the Word of God; it says rejoice all the time. Pray all the time. In everything give thanks. I’ve tapped that resource, and it can be yours too. How? By not worrying about the outcome of anything, but instead, putting your trust in God.”

What a testimony!

You can make a choice that you will live your life by God’s principles. You can rejoice all of the time, and pray all the time, and be filled with thanksgiving all of the time, if you remember to trust God and His Word during each day.

Read 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18; Colossians 2:6-8

Take a step . . .
Memorize 1 Thessalonians 5:16-18 or Colossians 2:6-8. Apply the principles of the passage you memorize to every situation you encounter daily for the next week.

This devotion is from Dr. Brandt’s message The Secret to Happiness.

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We tend to chase that golden pot at the end of the rainbow, that something in the future that will bring us contentment. Hopefully, some new experience, some new success, some new degree of cooperation or obedience from the people around us, or meeting someone new will make us happy.

I’ve listened to many people describe their hopes with excitement in their voices; their eyes sparkle, and happy smiles light up their faces. Generally, such optimism consumes us when there are prospects for something new in the future.

I’ve listened to the same people who have been in pursuit of something new for a while–perhaps years. Their hopes have turned to ashes. As they recount what happened, their eyes are slits, the corners of their mouths are turned down. Their voices tremble.

We all know people–perhaps our own children, parents, or close friends–who have spent many years in pursuit of education, wealth, power, social life or religious life. Their goal was a fulfilled, contented, productive life. But they ended up depressed, sour, bitter, frustrated and empty, with broken friendships and marriages. They didn’t learn “to be content in whatever circumstances” they were.

Jim and Betty illustrate the futility of seeking contentment through financial success and accomplishments.

Jim is a big, strong, brilliant, talented man. His wife is an energetic, personable, competent lady.

Jim moved from extreme poverty as a child to reach a boyhood dream of owning his own business and becoming financially independent. He was a dreamer, an innovator, a pioneer. For fourteen years Jim poured his entire life into the challenge of developing a motor-driven recreational vehicle. A company agreed to produce it, and quickly this motor-home company was out producing and outselling all the competitors in the U.S.

Jim’s dream came true. He had developed an industry-changing concept––a success story. And…at the center of the dream was financial success.

But Jim and Betty were not people with only a dollar in mind. One employee needed an operation and they paid the bill. They helped several employees with down payments on their homes. Another employee was confined to a wheelchair, but Jim hired him to wait on customers. Jim even arranged to have a special room built onto this man’s house, designed to make life as comfortable as possible for him.

So, Jim was a nice guy, wasn’t he? He was pleased because his idea made a contribution to making life more pleasant for American families. He ultimately walked away from the effort with several million dollars. He’d done it. Now he could take it easy the rest of his life. It was just a matter of picking the place to retire.

Jim and Betty’s search ended when they chose a plush condominium on one of Florida’s choicest oceanfront sites. “All my life I figured contentment would come when I reached this level in life,” he said. “Now I could almost taste it.”

Jim and his family arrived in Florida–ready to enjoy life fully. They accumulated the obligatory BMW, a fishing boat, a twin-engine plane.

So, Jim started into the good life. He’d made it. And big. Or had he?

“No. I hadn’t. I had expected contentment to come with a better job…more money…the ultimate life. But after a few months of nonstop golf, tennis, and walking the beach, I found it wasn’t true. I was completely empty.”

Even though Jim was an American success story and Mr. Nice Guy when it came to consideration for his fellow man…still, he was empty.

Betty was by his side all the way. She, too, had the rug pulled out from under her. Many of her hopes for her family turned to ashes. There were strained relations between her and Jim.

What, or where, is the key to contentment? For Betty and Jim, hard work, success, and wealth had led to an empty pot at the end of the rainbow.

There is a happy ending. They came to realize that, in reality, the qualities of hatred, discord, jealousy, fits of rage, selfish ambition, and dissension described in Galatians 5:20 were robbing them of the good life they had worked so hard to find.

Confession, repentance, receiving forgiveness and cleansing, and allowing God to strengthen them day by day was the solution to their emptiness.

The change in their lives has been incredible. The husband-wife tension has slipped away. Family problems continue but no longer tear up their world. They don’t have to travel around the world to find contentment. They have discovered the basic truth that contentment isn’t dependent on people or circumstances. It comes from a person’s relationship with God.

If they continue to turn Godward for the qualities that only God can give–love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control (Galatians 5:22-23)–they will become two indestructibles.

How can you be a Christian and be contented? How can you be famous and happy? Rich and at peace with yourself? Single and content? Married and happy? Poor and still enthusiastic about life? No beauty queen, yet possess a good self-image?

Jesus gives us the key in a reply to a question put to Him by a lawyer who asked:

Teacher, which is the great commandment in the Law? And He said to him: “You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, and with all your soul, and with all your mind. This is the great and foremost commandment. And a second is like it. You shall love your neighbor as yourself” (Matthew 22:36-39).

This is a surprise answer to me. The key to contentment, then, boils down to this:

1. Love God
2. Love your neighbor
3. Love yourself

In modern language, Jesus is saying that a good self-image is based on self-respect, on loving your neighbor, and on loving God.

In presenting this idea to my clients, it leaves them cold and unresponsive at first glance. Doesn’t contentment involve making enough money, getting an education, popularity, being understood, an understanding and decent marriage partner, obedient children, appreciative friends?

Your answer depends on whether you decide if Jesus knows what He is talking about. As for me, if Jesus said it, there is no need for a surveyor or research project to verify His statements.

Like my clients, your answer will not be changed by a further statement on my part that I have seen thousands of changed lives verifying Christ’s statements.

The only way for you to evaluate His advice is to take a step of faith and prove it to yourself. Take Him at His Word and launch out on your own quest to prove the truth of what He says. If you do, then commit a year, or two–or better yet, five years–to finding out.

Loving yourself begins with self-respect, a good self-image. And the first step to healthy self-respect is locating yourself in five areas: behavior, speech, reactions, thoughts, and goals.

To locate yourself, you need a reference point–a mirror–something to truly reflect and portray where you are right now. We need a reference point, a mirror, a guidebook that is consistently accurate. I’ve used such a guidebook, and in twenty-five years of counseling I’ve never found its principles to be incorrect. That guidebook is the Bible.

It’s not enough to stand in front of the mirror and see what’s wrong. We need to take calm, corrective action. James 1:23-25 tells us:

For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks at his natural face in a mirror; for once he has looked at himself and gone away, he has immediately forgotten what kind of person he was. But one who looks intently at the perfect law, the law of liberty, and abides by it, not having become a forgetful hearer but an effectual doer, this man shall be blessed in what he does.

It is within your power to decide to know and keep God’s commandments. But you must renew that commitment many times a day. There will be many temptations along the way to draw you from your original commitment. The Bible contains a reassuring promise:

Therefore let him who thinks he stands take heed lest he fall. No temptation has overtaken you but such as is common to man; and God is faithful, who will not allow you to be tempted beyond what you are able, but with the temptation will provide the way of escape also, that you may be able to endure it (1 Corinthians 10:12-13).

This is an excerpt of Chapter 3, entitled Want Contentment? Make a Commitment!, from Dr. Brandt’s book, I Want Happiness Now!

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