“Give me a call–anytime,” he would say cheerfully to everyone visiting his office. Or, “You’ve got to come over to the house and tell me more about it.”

Some people took him up on his offers of hospitality. And there was the rub! His friendliness was an act. He didn’t really mean for business associates to call him–let alone drop in at his home. He was just making conversation.

Whenever trapped, he always had a way of getting out.

“I’d be glad to stop by some night,” a client would say in response to his invitation. “How about Thursday?”

“Sounds fine. But let me check with my wife’s plans and call you,” Charles would say. Not for a minute did he intend to have this guy taking up his evening.

The next day he would telephone the client to apologize. “Sorry, but my wife’s got me tied up with the PTA Thursday night. Let me contact you later.”

Why did he invite people to call or visit him? It was the polite thing to do. Why did he then lie to the one he had invited? He did not want to hurt anyone’s feelings.

But occasionally, Charles Cook could not get out of his self-made trap. He would have to play the role of genial host to people he did not like. His acting was superb. But what a distasteful way of life! Is there any wonder that he was an anxious, uneasy man? “Bread gained by deceit is sweet to a man, but afterward his mouth will be filled with gravel” (Proverbs 20:17).

Charles Cook imagined himself a cordial and polite individual because he sounded like one. But by his rationalization, he was covering up a basic dislike of people and had fooled even himself into thinking he was a congenial man.

He needed to face the fact that his geniality was only a front. But to deceive even himself was easier than squaring up with the truth. Yet he could not get away with his duplicity. “For as he thinks in his heart, so is he” (Proverbs 23:7).

Charles had to make up his mind what he wanted in life–whether to be around people or not. If he wanted to accept others, he would need a change of heart. Whatever his decision, if he was to be free of his anxiety, his behavior had to be changed to match the desire of his heart.

This story is taken from Dr. Brandt’s book, “The Struggle for Inner Peace.” The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Carole had asked her mother if she might go roller skating with the church youth group, and Mom had replied, “No. You were at Bible Study last night and you studied late the night before.”

Just then Dad had come in and urged, “Let her go. She’s young only once.”

“But Carole needs her rest,” Mom insisted. Then the seesaw argument began, and both her mother and father were soon angry.

“Forget the whole thing,” Carole cried as she left them. There had been a family quarrel every day that week.

Carole was caught in the vortex of two swirling forces: her controlling mother and her strong-willed father. They bickered and squabbled over trifles and over real problems until Carole’s head and heart spun with confusion and revolt. The troubled parents finally brought her to me to discover “her” trouble.

“Talk of a mixed-up kid!” Carole wailed as she told her story. “Mom and I go shopping and I always wind up getting the clothes she picks out. I’m ungrateful if I disagree.”

When her mother suggests they whip up a cake together, Carole shudders. Either she selects the wrong pan or doesn’t mix the batter right. She may tense up and drop something; Mom gets disgusted and finishes the job, and both pout for the rest of the day. When Dad comes home, he interrogates them, and then gives them a lecture.

Carole’s father makes a good salary, and she has a generous allowance. Active at church, the parents are considered models. But Carole says they’re hypocrites. The moment they get in the car for home, Mom tells Dad how to drive or that he slept during the sermon, and he responds with a hot retort.

Like a number of church “pillars” Carole’s parents were suffering from spiritual termites that were destroying their inner being.

Carole was plainly up against a situation she could not change. She couldn’t possibly be obedient to her parents when they gave opposite directions. And she couldn’t escape their constant bickering. But, I suggested, she could do some things.

When working with her mother, she could try harder to do it Mom’s way. She could accept her mother’s choices. She could realize that her parents’ quarrels were not her problem.

And there was something else. We turned to 2 Corinthians 1:2-5, and as we read we underlined these words: grace, peace, mercies, comfort, and consolation. These, Carole saw, were the blessings God was ready to give “in all our tribulation.” She tried it, and it worked.

Sometimes she forgets and pities herself. But as she repeatedly yields herself to God, she is learning to live with something she cannot change.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

But when it came to talking about his folks, his eyes became slits, his lips pressed into a line, and his voice raised a couple of levels as he shrilled, “I hate them!”’

Jon’s parents had visited me earlier. They were concerned because there was constant friction between them and Jon. When he cleaned his room, he never did a thorough job. If they asked him to cut the grass, it would take four days. The previous Sunday, he had refused to wear his best pants to church, and instead he wore jeans.

Jon’s insubordination made his parents furious, they admitted. Jon got furious in return, and usually he wouldn’t do what he was told until they threatened to punish him.

“Why do you hate your folks?”’ I asked Jon.

He seemed to know the reason very well.

“’They want me to jump whenever they say. If I go out and come in five minutes late, one of them is waiting with an angry sermon. I’m not supposed to fight with my brother, but they fight with each other. Dad works late a lot and never lets Mom know. She gets mad and we eat without him.

“’Dad throws his clothes around, and Mom picks up after him, but she makes me hang up my clothes. The back door needed the handle fixed all summer, and Dad hasn’t fixed it yet. But I’m supposed to do everything right now. My mom will sometimes tell me I can go out, and Dad comes home and tells me I can’t.”

If Jon’s story was true, it was a picture of each one in the family for himself. Mom wanted her way, Dad his, and Jon his. Jon got jumped on constantly for following the same pattern as his folks followed.

When I told Jon’s parents about his explanation of the home situation, they were furious and embarrassed. Eventually, they came around to recognizing it as the truth.

What was needed in this family is described beautifully in Colossians 3:13, “Bear with each other and forgive whatever grievances you may have against one another. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.”

Jon’s folks began to see their problem as a family civil war–with each side wanting to win. The parents proceeded, repentantly, to straighten out the disagreements between themselves, asking God to give them a loving spirit toward each other. They are on the road to a solution, but Jon may be as bad off as ever.

“I’ll change if they do,” he says stubbornly. He still needs to apply Colossians 3:13 to his own life. And his hate is a sin before God. With God’s standard and his parents’ good example before him, Jon has no excuse whatsoever; but he needs to make the decision himself.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Viola’s interest was community projects and current events. She became deeply involved in these activities. Then, after one fishing trip, Louis talked about a “genuine fisherwoman” who had been in their crowd, and Viola felt a pang of jealousy. And she was hurt when he said he couldn’t stay home to watch her debate the new expressway route on television because he was meeting his fishing friends, including “Lady Walton.”

Viola forgot her marital disappointment when the debate on TV waxed warm and the friendly argument continued over a pot of coffee in the studio lunchroom. She found it pleasant to be with men and women who kept their fingers on the day’s pulse, not wasting time playing water tag with a fish.

Gradually the Walker home became a neutral meeting place for two people whose worlds had spun into separate orbits. Neither bothered the other with the details of their lives, and each said it was nice that way.

One night Viola accused Louis of paying more attention to the lady angler than to the fish. He vigorously denied it.

“I believe we were married for keeps,” he said in our first interview. “But I do wish she’d take more interest in me.”

It had not occurred to him that he gave her interests no thought.

Viola had no desire for divorce, either. She recognized that she had allowed her activities to cover the emptiness of her life. Marriage to the Walkers had become a democratic institution in which each member felt free to maintain his independence.

In time, Viola and Louis came to see that if their marriage was to continue they would have to lose their independence in a union bigger than either of them. They found ways to spend time together. It is the principle of Matthew 16:25 applied to marriage: “For whosoever will save his life shall lose it; and whosoever will lose his life for My sake shall find it.”

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Todd was away from home much of the time and had bought Tracy a dog for company before the birth of their first child. After the baby’s arrival, Todd wanted to get rid of the dog.

“If the dog goes, I go, too,” Tracy warned.

“All right, go ahead,” he told her.

And so they separated.

I met first with Tracy who gave me her side of the story. She complained that she had to share her husband with too many people. He worked late, spent three or four nights a week at the church, and visited his mother every day. Often he didn’t come home for supper at all. He made her feel as if she were not needed.

“My dad never treated my mother that way,” she told me. “They went everywhere together. He was always affectionate to her and generous with his compliments. But Todd,” she said scathingly, “only gives me a peck on the cheek when he comes home—if he doesn’t forget. As for my housekeeping and cooking and caring for the baby, he just takes them for granted!”

When I got the chance to talk with Todd, I learned that he thought Tracy should realize he loved her when he worked long and hard and provided for her.

“Shouldn’t the new carpet I bought her prove my love more than a lot of kissing?” he asked. “And why does she insist on keeping that dumb dog?” he grumbled.

It was clear that their trouble was far greater than the disagreement they were having about the dog. Here were a man and woman who looked at life from very different viewpoints. Tracy wanted to reproduce the pleasant experiences of her childhood home. She wanted to go places with her husband and receive more of his attention at home.

Todd, however, had been the only child at his house, and he was free to come and go as he pleased. His mother had been satisfied with a few minutes of his time each day. Todd enjoyed this kind of life, and he was seeking to reproduce it in adulthood.

And now each felt let down by the other.

Both Todd and Tracy found it lonely living apart. They met and tried to talk things over amiably, but ended up defending their past actions. I saw them separately several times, and gradually each became a little more willing to look at the other’s viewpoint. I reminded them of Philippians 2:4, “Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others. Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interest of others.” Slowly they came to realize that the conditions in their parents’ homes could not be reproduced in their own marriage.

One day Todd said candidly, “I understand now. You’re telling me I am a selfish man.”

It was not easy for him to say, but he followed it up with efforts that brought the two back to the same house.

It took longer for Tracy to see her weakness. Todd kept praying for patience, and they are finally making some progress. When he tends to neglect her, she pouts. But they recognize their problem and are slowly building a life together as each learns to look to the interests of the other.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

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