Dear Bill:

I don’t have to remind you of the problem Mom always was. How well you knew her self-pity, sarcasm, jealousy, suspicion, injustice, self-righteousness, and nagging that ended only in long periods of sulky silence. You rebelled openly, but my rebellion was silent. I buried the bitterness and resentment, but I buried them in the wrong place. I hid them in my heart and they have come back to torment me. Even after she died, I blamed Mom for making me the wretched person I was.

Things got worse after Ken and I married. I no longer had the moral support of family and friends to bolster my attitude. I was suddenly surrounded by new people, and a new set of circumstances. In them, I discovered a new measurement of myself, and in the balance I was found wanting. About a year ago, a series of events brought me to a long conversation with the Lord. When it was over, I realized I couldn’t go through life blaming someone else for what I was. The trouble was, I didn’t know what to do, I only added confusion to resentment.

Two weeks ago, Dr. Henry Brandt came to speak in our town. Talking to him privately, I told him in more detail what I’ve told you. He said I needed to do two things: 1) forgive Mom, and 2) pray for grace to face the kind of people to whom I react bitterly. He said that if the memories of Mom stir rancor in me, it is because rancor is in me. “For from within, out of the heart of men, proceed evil thoughts…wickedness…pride and foolishness” (Mark 7:21-22).

My problem, then, turns out to be not Mom, but me and my relationship with the Lord. Because Christ offers peace and joy in place of bitterness and anger, the question boils down to this: Do I accept what He has to offer, or don’t I?

Bill, I have made my choice, but much still remains to be worked out in my daily life. Frankly, I’m a little scared. However, although I know a lot about my own weakness, I also know something about the strength of the Lord.

All through the years, our problem of rebelliousness and hatred has been the same. The answer is the same, too. I want you to enjoy the wonderful peace that has come into my life through Christ.

Your sis,

Linda

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

But Peter, now 22, was far from being the happy fellow that folks supposed him to be. After a promising start as a tool designer, he lost his job and then two others after short trials. He renounced his church. He became involved in escapades that would have been public scandals had they been known.

This sensitive, yet outwardly impersonal young man finally came to my office for help. I discovered that while acting the part of an exemplary youth, Peter had possessed private thoughts that violently opposed the principles of his upbringing. He had repressed these thoughts all through his school years, then discarded the old restraints when he left home. And still he wasn’t happy!

Probing for the reasons of his earlier parental obedience, I discovered that it was mainly from fear. “They made me feel evil if I disobeyed them. I was afraid they wouldn’t love me or that they would belt me or give me a tongue lashing if I did anything against their standards.”

Thoroughly tired of blind obedience, this honor student rebelled against authority after leaving home. He built up resentment against his bosses and acquaintances and walled himself off.

Peter had apparently chosen a new set of standards for his life, one almost opposite to that of his parents. This was his privilege, but he must not expect them to approve of his standards, I emphasized. Their treatment of Peter may have been a “bum deal” from his perspective, but he had to grant them the right to maintain their own beliefs.

When Peter focused on his situation objectively, he could say, “I see now why I lost interest in my work; tool designing was Dad’s idea.” He also understood his restlessness and carelessness as darts he was throwing at his parents to punish them for their harsh supervision. When he forgave them, the wails of resentment tumbled.

Previously, Peter had not dared to admit personal sin, because he had been warned that an angry God punishes sin. Now, Peter saw that Christ died to “forgive and put away all sin.” He started picking spiritual skeletons out of his closet and acknowledging them to God, standing on 1 John 1:9, “If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

Peter decided, after all, that his parents’ standards were the ones he wanted. He got his first job back. He now accepts people for what they are. He has discovered that life is worth living in the full freedom of Christ.

The names and certain details in this true case history have been changed to protect each person’s identity and privacy.

Up to this time, I had always assumed that pain meant something was wrong with the body and that a physician would know how to fix it. When there was a problem, you simply got it fixed, much like you would take your broken watch to a jeweler. The proper choice of pills or an injection would hopefully do the job. It simply never occurred to me that thoughts and feelings could affect the body.

According to Dr. English, the emotional state of a person can cause a perfectly healthy heart to beat faster and irregularly. There can be the sensation of tightening, pain, and numbness. There can be a shortness of breath and the feeling of faintness, weakness, or even giddiness.

The information that interested me the most was about the autonomic nervous system. There are certain emotional centers in the brain that are linked to the entire body through the autonomic nervous system. This system can be compared to the wires that carry electricity from a main power source to all the outlets in your house.

Charges of emotions are relayed from the brain, down the spinal cord, and through the autonomic nerves to the blood vessels, muscle tissues, mucous membranes, and skin. When you are under emotional stress, all parts of your body can be subject to physical discomfort because of a change in blood nourishment, glandular function, or muscle tone.

A healthy example of this is when a speaker who is about to be introduced before a crowd becomes fearful over facing the audience and suddenly his mouth will become dry. That’s because his blood vessels have constricted and glandular activity has been reduced. When the fear goes away, the dryness also goes away.

It has also been proven that emotional stress will increase the size of the blood vessels in your head; this, in turn, produces pain because of the stretching of the tissues around the blood vessels and the consequential pressure on the nerve endings.

Within the medical community, it has been know for decades that emotional or relational problems that remain unresolved can be “turned over” or “taken up” by some other part of the body. When an irritating friend or a troublesome family member cannot be coped with, the patient develops physical symptoms. A medical doctor cannot find any real reason for the symptoms, but knows that the true cause of these body pains may be because of emotional conflict.

Dr. English wrote a list of the thoughts and feelings that can disturb the autonomous operation of the body:  envy, frustration, worry, oversensitivity, ambivalence, inferiority, fear, ambition, resentment, self-centeredness, hostility, need for approval, guilt, repressed hostility, sorrow, rage.

He then gave us a list of words that were very similar. This list came from the Bible: “When you follow the desires of your sinful nature, the results are very clear: sexual immorality, impurity, lustful pleasures, idolatry, sorcery, hostility, quarreling, jealousy, outbursts of anger, selfish ambition, dissension, division” (Galatians 5:19-20). In essence, many of our negative emotions are actually sin manifesting itself in our lives.

Bob was a young pastor fresh out of college and just beginning seminary. He wanted to do well in his first church staff position. Bob had always wanted people to accept him and approve of what he said and did. However, not long into his new job, he discovered that not every church member liked what he said and did.

Bob began to notice that reading caused tremendous pain in his eyes. Normal lighting in his office gave him headaches. He couldn’t sleep at night. He was not as relaxed as he once was. Sitting still was almost impossible. Nervous twitching compelled him to see a Christian medical doctor. Bob was convinced that he had a brain tumor.

After the examination, the doctor said to him, “Bob, the good news is that you don’t have a brain tumor. The bad news is you have a severe case of stress! I will recommend two solutions to your problem and you can decide which one you want to try. I can give you tranquilizers to help you relax; or, you can leave my office, spend time with God, and ask Him to show you why you can’t relax.”

Bob left the doctor’s office knowing what he needed. He knew why he couldn’t relax. Although he respected the judgment of the people who did not approve of all he said and did, he also resented them and tried to cover it up in their presence. This was self-deception. The result? Restlessness and sleeplessness.

Bob’s experience illustrates these two Biblical principles: 1) “For not he who commends himself is approved, but whom the Lord commends” (2 Corinthians 10:18) and 2) “Then He said to them all, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross daily, and follow Me” (Luke 9:23).

After Bob repented of his hypocrisy and allowed the Lord to give him genuine respect for the people he once despised, the headaches, nervous twitching, and all the other symptoms were completely gone within a week. Like the red warning light on the dashboard of a car, Bob’s body warned him that not all was well with his spiritual life.

Bob’s experience is not an isolated one. Over the years, I have met many people who have had similar experiences.

One day during a counseling session, David spoke of his problem at home. Often he would arrive in a good mood and would be hungry enough to eat a side of beef. Then his wife would begin to air her complaints. Perhaps he had slammed the door when he came in. Or, he might have been a few minutes late. So just before dinner was ready, his body would become tense and he would lose his appetite. His angry, resentful reaction to his wife produced drastic bodily changes.

A young girl reported she suffered from severe headaches. Careful questioning disclosed that the headaches always occurred when her fiancé failed to call when he said he would. A further look back through her life showed that she had headaches whenever something went wrong with her plans. She also resented anyone who interfered with her plans.

Ed sought counseling at the recommendation of his physician. “How can you help me get over a stiff neck?” he asked, truly puzzled. As he told his story, it became clear that life, to him, was one big pain in the neck. The tenseness of his neck muscles gave him the pain. He was tense because he approached the problems in his life as if he were a football lineman charging his opponent. He had a quick temper.

Mrs. Diamond was a beautiful, cultured, well-educated woman. But in certain situations she was having difficulty swallowing her food. I learned that these times of difficulty came in connection with appointments that her husband demanded she make and keep and which she resented.

The Bible acknowledges the connection between certain feelings and bodily affliction. For example, King David was aware of the relationship between sin and pain: “There is no soundness in my flesh because of Your anger, nor any health in my bones because of my sin. For my iniquities have gone over my head; like a heavy burden they are too heavy for me” (Psalm 38:3-4).

Proverbs 28:13 tells us, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, But whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”

Unfortunately, I have met with many righteously indignant Christians. They came to me because their physicians ruled that their headaches, stiff necks, skin problems, chest pains, breathing difficulties, digestive problems, and tensions were caused by emotional stress. Regrettably, theologically trained, highly respected staff people from the churches they attended had justified those symptoms by attributing them to righteous indignation. However, righteous indignation is often a disguise for sinful anger.

You may be thinking that to explore the possibility of sinfulness is a harsh approach. If so, be assured that most people I talk with think the same as you do. Let me simply remind you that Jesus came to save us from our sins, and that if your problems are linked to sin, you are just a prayer of repentance away from wholeness and restoration. Is it not heartless cruelty to treat people for sickness if they are only sinful? When a Christian is suffering bodily pain, exploring the possibility of sinfulness should have priority.

A dear woman named Mrs. English asked me for an appointment. I was reluctant to do so because it appeared to me that she was merely sick and in need of a physician. She later wrote about our experience together; it is a startling illustration of the interplay between sickness and sinfulness:

Fighting for my life! That’s what I was doing. Pain creeping through my body had progressed from aching hips to aching spine, both knees, now one ankle. A horrible nightmare, but I was living it!

X-rays revealed the discomfort in my hip was osteoarthritis. Within two years the hurt had traveled over almost my entire body and I was frightened and appalled at what lay ahead.

One year later I went to a very fine specialist. He ordered x-rays and blood tests and, then announced that although I did have arthritis, the pain was too severe to be caused only by my physical condition. I left his office in a daze. Getting into the car, I pled, “Lord, if these pains are psychosomatic, I need to know.” It was very perplexing, for supposedly I was a happily married woman with her needs met, one who had no real excuse to worry and who claimed her trust in God meant that, through Him, she could be joyful, loving, peaceful, gentle, and good. But I wasn’t. Active in Christian circles, I was regarded as a “nice, sweet lady.” But I wasn’t.

For the next three days, I felt much better and again went to the Throne of Grace and said, “Father, You have healed my body but how about my mind?” That evening someone disappointed me. When I went to bed, my bones felt as though they had been lit with matches. This was so devastating that I fell on my knees and cried, “Help!”

An eminent Christian psychologist was coming to town a few months later and a one-hour interview was arranged. I prepared for it by reading his book “The Struggle for Peace” and by compiling a list of “what bugs me.” A pattern began to emerge as I read and made my list–every time I did not get my own way, I had adverse reactions!

As my counselor read the list, I told him of my nasty feelings and reactions, admitting hatred for the way I felt and acted, but being unable to prevent it. He dropped a bombshell! He said I was an angry person–that I like being an angry person or I would have changed long ago.

I could hardly believe it, but I had no choice. I was fighting for my health. So I took it on faith that I was in the right place at the right time, listening to the person God had sent to help me out of this mess.

The doctor further explained that I had fooled many people, including myself, making them think I was what I should be.

Jeremiah 17:9 says, “The heart is deceitful above all things, and desperately wicked; who can know it?”

I was denying what was in the inner recesses of my life and thus was in great conflict. By now I was in tears, recognizing that actually it was a question of violating a divine principle of spiritual living, just as someone who is sick has broken some medical rule of living. I couldn’t wait to hear what would come next because I was looking for a way of escape.

As I continued to cry my heart out, my counselor pointed me to answers from the Bible:

I began with Proverbs 28, “He who covers his sins will not prosper, but whoever confesses and forsakes them will have mercy.”

Going from Scripture to Scripture he showed me the way out.

I confessed my sin and received forgiveness for my reactions. Since that day, I have asked that I might not yield to the temptation to strike back at anyone, but prayerfully ask Him to take away these feelings and fill me, by His Spirit, with love, joy, and peace. Then I remind Him that I am thankful that He is so gracious, kind and good to me. He is always so gentle, yet firm, in His corrections.

I could hardly believe what happened. My severe joint pains were relieved, blood pressure was down, a new ability to relax developed, and my first reaction was not always [that] of anger. He began filling me by His Spirit with a new kind of peace and joy and a capacity to love.

Was it real? More than two years have elapsed since my visit to the Christian psychologist, and I feel better now than then. I have come to know the Lord Jesus Christ more intimately, to appreciate the work of the Holy Spirit in my life as never before and to trust God for all things in a way unknown in the past. Each new day I look forward to increased spiritual growth.

When your body hurts, check your spirit. The pain may be a signal to pay attention to your thoughts and emotions.

Or maybe you’re trying “self restraint” – attempting on your own to “Let all bitterness, and wrath, and anger, and clamor, and evil speaking, be put away from you, with all malice, and be ye kind one to another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God for Christ’s sake hath forgiven you” (Ephesians 4:31-32 KJV).

But all you’re accomplishing is putting a smile on your face to look like you’re loving the person who has upset you, but you’re still experiencing the same nasty reaction on the inside.

This is carnality–strife and division–life “in the flesh.” This negative spirit is captivating you. It works against the Spirit of God, which is love, and joy, and peace, and gentleness, and kindness, and long suffering, and temperance.

It’s important to know where your own adequacy is:  what it is that you can do without God’s help, and what you can’t do without God’s help.

2 Corinthians 3:4-6 (KJV) tells us, “Such trust have we through Christ to God. Not that we are sufficient of ourselves to think anything as of ourselves; but our sufficiency is of God.”

The place to start is with God. 1 John 1:9 tells us, “If we confess ours sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins, and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.”

There is a concept called Spiritual Breathing that can help us to live this verse out daily. Spiritual Breathing simply means exhaling and inhaling like you breathe air: Exhaling – confessing your sin, inhaling – breathing in God’s Spirit, expecting the forgiveness of God. He promises us that if you’ll confess your sins, He will forgive you your sins, and cleanse you of all unrighteousness. We can experience God’s power and presence in our lives if we start with Him!

Take a step . . .
Take some time to identify the sin in your life. It may be pride, or stubbornness, or rebellion, or hostility, or anger, or a lack of love, or insincerity. Practice the concept of Spiritual Breathing:  exhale and confess your sin to God, inhale the forgiveness of God. Ask Him to fill you and empower you with His Spirit so your behavior will become pleasing to Him.

This is a summary from Dr. Brandt’s message, Growing Up–2.

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Jesus said about Himself:

I am the way, and the truth and the life; no one comes to the Father, but through Me (John 14:6).

Behold, I stand at the door and knock; if any one hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him, and will dine with him, and he with Me (Revelation 3:20).

For God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten son, that whoever believes in Him should not perish, but have eternal life (John 3:16).

I once proposed this step to a disturbed client. He became more disturbed.

“Don’t hand me that stuff,” he said. ”I’ve asked God for help many times, and it doesn’t work.”

”When did you ask Him to come into your life?” I asked.

”I’ve been a Christian all my life,” he said. ”I grew up in church.”

I persisted. ”When did you ask Him to come into your life?”

”I can’t remember,” he said.

To make this step more clear to him, I asked if he remembered when he purchased his last car. That he could remember. He also admitted, when I asked, that he purchased the car by a specific action. He didn’t purchase it by simply thinking about it…or about its construction…or by considering all the standard equipment, etc. Only when he agreed to the deal, did he purchase the car. He definitely remembered that.

He also remembered exactly when he got married, when he accepted airplane tickets for his last flight, when he accepted his present job.

You are born again when you ask Jesus to invade your life. Otherwise, it’s no deal. Jesus is the way to God’s peace. To let Him into your life gives you access to the resources of God: peace, joy, hope and patience.

Then you can put everything and everyone into His hands. You can stop striving and let His peace guard your heart, mind, and body.

I once spoke with a woman who had had continuous headaches for several years. Medical tests and x-rays could not isolate the cause. Medication didn’t help. She finally came to realize that she hated the snake of a husband she had divorced several years ago.

She realized she was only punishing herself nursing hatred toward someone who was 3,000 miles away. She asked Jesus to come into her life and give her His Spirit and take the hate away.

She said, ”This is the first day in several years that I didn’t have a headache.”

At a conference where I was speaking, another lady approached me about her husband. They had been married some twenty years. They were active in religious circles. He was even an elder in the church. But he kept a bottle of vodka in his office and was usually a little drunk when he came home. He demanded a hot meal every night, even though his arrival time was unpredictable. Then he expected her to sit with him to watch television and pour his drinks for him.

Since the children were out of the house, this relationship had become unbearable. She had never complained to her husband, she said, and faithfully served him. But, she was consumed with rebellion, resentment and anger. She couldn’t stand it much longer!

I pointed out to her that she had two problems. Her husband was obviously one of them. He was inconsiderate, selfish, and demanding. But her most serious problem was what went on underneath her skin.

”But I have served him faithfully,” she protested. It did appear that her behavior was beyond criticism. She doggedly was living up to the letter of the law. But, God’s Spirit was missing.

”But, my husband just thinks about himself.”

I listen to this line of reasoning constantly. “My inner life is caused by people or circumstances. How else do you expect me to respond? Am I supposed to enjoy such treatment? Haven’t I put up with this long enough? Don’t I deserve some consideration, too?”

This dear lady was convinced that her inner life was in the hands of her husband. Several months later, I received a letter from her. It is printed here (in part):

Nothing has changed in our marriage, but I am contented. I felt so angry with you for what you said to me about myself–but you were right! Before that I hadn’t really recognized my own sin. God had to do some throwing down in my life, and that is never pleasant at the time, but the result is beautiful if you are submissive to the strong hand of God.

He has forgiven and cleansed and filled my heart with joy.

Our reactions to difficult circumstances are often anger, bitterness, stubbornness, rebellion, and hate which becomes intolerable. The idea that the people and circumstances involved merely reveal, rather than cause, their reactions is frequently rejected. The possibility of becoming a loving, peaceful, joyful person without the people or circumstances changing is an unpalatable option. If nothing changes, we prefer to be mad rather that glad.

Why do we do this to ourselves? Jesus, who knows all about us, says:

“And this is the judgment, that the light is come into the world, and men loved the darkness rather than the light; for their deeds were evil. For everyone who does evil hates the light, and does not come to the light, lest his deeds should be exposed. But he who practices the truth comes to the light, that his deeds may be manifested as having been wrought in God” (John 3:19-21).

There it is. We tend to turn away from such light. The more brilliant and educated we are, the more we are capable of coming up with endless varieties of ways to justify ourselves.

However, there is hope. When we finally quit running, the Lord will search our hearts, show us our selfish ways, clean us up, and fill us with His strength.

This is an excerpt of chapter 7 from Dr. Brandt’s book I Want Happiness Now! currently available as an e-book.

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